The Last Conversation

Well I guess I just had the last conversation I will ever have with the one I was so confused about.
What we always want is to be with someone who actually likes talking to us, but there always seemed to be tension in his voice and now there will never have to be tension between us anymore, because I no longer desire to be a part of his life in any capacity.
It feels great knowing that I possess the power to be free.

We Live and We Learn

So today I really remembered that no one is perfect. We all have messed up in one way or another and we all have our flaws.

In the past few days, a few people, specifically men, that I USED to associate with have come to me with the desire to rekindle our friendship. At first I was happy to hear from them until the conversation progressed and I remembered why we ceased all communication. They would apologize, saying they were just going through a phase in their life and didn't know what they really wanted at the time. I understand all that, but it still left me with a bad taste in my mouth of them.

I had time to get over them and then months and sometimes even years later they come back, not realizing that their chance of having me in their life is completely over.

You can't meet someone and when they start to trust you and form feelings for you, just up and decide you have other things in life to deal with that doesn't concern them. You either need to incorporate me into your life or just completely leave me alone. So now unfortunately, it's left me to tread lightly with everyone I come in contact with.

We live and we learn.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Ok I'm angry....
I don't know exactly what I'm angry about, but I'm angry.
I try not to take it out on anyone specifically, but it happens.

I'm so angry and more so disappointed in the men I meet and come in contact with. They let me down and then expect for me to just get over when they apologize and own up to the fact that they made a mistake.

Well unfortunately, it doesn't happen that way.

Now that I'm gone and no longer dealing with you, you decide you want me back and come back talking all that good game that is full of hot breath, trying to persuade me to forgive your sorry excuse for a man.

NO!!
I won't go through that mess anymore.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

BIG EARRINGS!!!





IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL....



EYESHADOW


THE MOVIE BROWN SUGAR


THE COLOR BURNT ORANGE



TAZ



NAIL POLISH



CHICKEN STRIPS AND HONEY MUSTARD!!! YUMMY!!



LIPGLOSS!!


CANDY!!!!

Total Confusion

So for last few weeks, there has been someone on my mind that I've been having very mixed emotions about. One moment I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and then in the next I want to just remove all communication between the two of us. I'm used to a certain level of pursuit from the guy I'm talking to, and his level is incredibly lower than I'm used to. He keeps me intrigued about him and I just can't loose him.
This is the big kicker, but not a surprise if you know anything about me

........ we haven't seen each other in person.......

Big surprise I know. You're probably thinking, well how can she like this guy so much when she hasn't even met him. Well I get to know the person and just hope and pray they're not full of lies. It's not like I don't have any clue of what he looks like. Trust me, the brother is FINE.

But we have been arguing for like 2 weeks now, so at this point, I'm tired of it, and ready to call it quits, but then right when I make up my mind to walk completely away, he says something that just captures me all over again.

I really want to be with him, but there is just that something that's keeping me at bay. He has no idea of who I am and what I want, because I feel as though I'm still changing and morphing into the woman God is creating me to be.

He has expressed what he wants and in the beginning when he made those things known, I was fine with them, but I was also thinking, those things would be accomplished in the future, not necessarily something I needed to take in at that very moment.

I don't know what to do and I wish I could just see him and know exactly what choice I should make, but until then, I guess I'll be going in circles.

Just Life I Guess.....

I'm not interested in being a Plan B for anyone. I want to be the one and only.
I want the fairy tale, although I know it probably won't happen, I at least want someone to try to make my dreams come true.

I'm a good woman and I deserve a good man. Someone who only has eyes for me. Someone who will take it slow and wait until I'm ready.

OMG....
As I have been sitting here thinking and watching Lifetime movies, I think I've had an epiphany. I can't stop thinking about him when we're not talking.....
But then I sometimes have to question myself and ask who is HIM? Which brings me right back to where I started.... in a total state of confusion.

Right when I think I have everything figured out, another issue comes up.

Are things supposed to be this challenging?
Am I supposed to question myself?

I thought when this time came around I would just know.... but I don't.

Maybe I'm not ready......

Happiness

We all want happiness. We want someone who will understand us and be that confidant when we need them. We want someone who understands our corny jokes and someone who can finish our sentences. Someone we can grow with.

Someone who can't live without us, and we can't live without them.

Until we meet that person, there's no reason for being with someone who can live without us and be just fine. I want someone who can't wait to see me when they get off work or can't wait until they have a free moment just to hear my voice on the phone.

I want someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. I want someone who wants to have a family with me, someone who will work hard to provide for their family.

Someone to be happy with.

Looking for Something

I woke up looking for something, but never found it, and I don't know if I ever will.


I've met people who spoke a good game, but never backed it up with their actions.
Maybe this is the exception, maybe not, but I don't want to walk away, because that's what he's expecting. But do I put my heart in limbo, waiting for things to get better?

I don't know what to do sometimes in this situation. It's so different than the others.
I just want to take it slow, so that my heart isn't shattered.

I want to give my all, but I don't know if that will be enough.
But what if I do give my all and get nothing in return.
But what if I'm the one making the sacrifices and the changing, and they remain the same?

I don't know, hopefully the situation will be cleared up soon.
Just waiting for the leadership by God.

This Morning....

This Morning....

This morning I rode my Waffle House and I saw a man and a woman embracing. They stood there holding each other what seemed to be like forever. It seemed to be like a hug that was to say goodbye to the love of your life because he belonged to another, or to say hello to that long lost love that your forgot about.

This Morning....

This morning I ended it all. I ended something I was in denial about. Something that I tried to hang on to for my own selfish needs and desires. I ended something I was tired of dealing with, tired of lying about, tired of being the "other".

This morning.....

This morning I realized I was back at the place I started.

Something Happened

She missed waking up to those Good Morning messages....
When it was all so sweet and nothing that he could do would upset her.
When he would pick her up for lunch and they would just enjoy each other's company.....

Something happened that changed all that....

One day he stopped looking at her the way he used to, with that little smirk and the tap of his left foot, like a dog wagging his tail when he knows he's about to get fed.

He wouldn't touch her the way he used to. He used to lightly tread upon the side of cheek and run his fingers through her hair. He wouldn't put his arm around her when they were sitting close.

Something happened that changed all that....

One day she realized what that something was...

It wasn't him, it was her.

When she took the time to evaluate herself, she realized she was in love with another man...........

.........
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To be continued

EXPOSED....

The movie "For Colored Girls" struck a nerve with me. I knew this girl who was pretty much in the same situation the character of Janet Jackson was in. She met this man, who was so fine and so perfect...so she thought. They had a connection when they first met and she grew to love him. But then years later, the friendship began to have holes in it. He wouldn't call or text the way he used to. And then one day, someone close to her revealed something about her friend, she knew in the back of her mind it could happen, but wishing it never would.


To her "FRIEND"

Well if you haven't caught on by now, she no longer has a desire to be friends with you. She doesn't want to be in any form of communication with you, therefore your Facebook friendship has been deleted, and your number has been deleted from her phone.

She doesn't want someone around her, calling themselves her "friend", when they are just using her for her skills and just to get close to someone around her.

She lost all respect for you when your DIRTY LITTLE SECRET was exposed. You are a liar and man on the DOWN LOW.... For you to have the nerve to try and use her as your escape route, that was just low. You didn't think about the after effects of the situation. You never thought about, well maybe she might just fall in love with me. No, because all you want, is satisfaction.

Do you know how it feels to hear about a man you thought you knew...???
You hear that they're trying to get with another MAN!!!

No, you have no clue, because are heartless and she is a woman who deserves nothing but the best, and that just isn't YOU!

Funny moment in the library

It was so funny because I'm sitting in the library (as usual) and I'm playing with my hair and this really nice looking black guy (older of course) comes and gets on the computer a couple of seats next to me. So I start playing with my hair because I knew he was looking at me and he walks past me and kind of whispers in my ear....

"You know you playing in your hair like that makes me want to do the same thing right?? I just want you to know that..."

LOL!!!! That was funny to me...

An Unproductive Day

So today has been pretty unproductive unfortunately. I've just been lounging around on Facebook, but not really having any meaningful conversations with anyone. But the one only decent thing I did was straightened my hair.

I just don't like being alone anymore. At one point in time, it was what I wanted, but someone came in my life and changed all of that. I enjoyed seeing them everyday and going to lunch and dinner, just watching tv, and taking care of business. It felt like a real relationship that grown people have, not just something high schoolers have.

But all of that is over and as much as I hate to admit it, it's taking it's effects on me.

Yesterday when all this mess was revealed to me, my whole mood changed and now I try to put on a proud face when I'm around people, but then when I'm alone, the truth comes out. I haven't even been working on my paper that's due on Monday. But as usual, I'll just procrastinate and finish it on Saturday and Sunday.

I don't even want to be bothered with anyone else right now, because I know how it feels to be treated like a Queen and anything less just won't due.

Get Over It

It's hard to say good-bye to someone you've spent quality time with.This morning I woke up knowing that from now on, things would be different from the life I've been living these past few months. I think that if I would have known it would end like this, I wouldn't have even been involved in it like I was. It's hard not to formulate feelings for someone you connect with instantly. I'm thinking of that song by Carl Thomas "I Wish I Never Met Her" but of course it's a him.... but yeah pretty much....

What about me??
I guess it's time to get over it huh??

Just thinking about my lack of cooking skills LOL

So I'm just sitting here in the library waiting for my Environmental class to start, listening to pandora, and texting.... as usual. Lately I've been thinking about what I will be doing in the next few days, months, and years.

Maybe I'll learn to cook or something....
yeah maybe not... haha!!!

No, but I really should though, huh? It's not like I'm having problems meeting guys because of that small issue, but I'm sure we would all be happier.

It Hurts, But I'm Grateful

It hurts when you have to say goodbye to someone you thought you loved.
It hurts to say goodbye to someone you thought was your friend.

It hurts when you find out the truth about them, when you knew all along, but you just ignored it from day one.
How can you continue to lie to someone for years?............

Maybe it was just me, being blind.

I never knew how I would react when the real truth came out. And I guess it had to be from someone close, to take the binds from my eyes.

I knew all along, but because I saw the potential in you, I looked past your mistakes and loved you for you. You always complained that no one was faithful and loyal to you, but I was. And you see I said "was", because I can no longer be a part of your life or your lies.

You hurt me, but I guess that's why God allowed what He allowed and why He sheltered my heart. It had to be open enough to love you, but sheltered in so that you could not hurt me and forever I will be grateful.

If God took you Away

God knows my heart, and he knows that if He took away a piece of it, how hard it would be to go on. I would have to question His motives of allowing me to meet someone, love them, and then take them away from me.

God has a way of doing things that we don't understand.
He gives us people and things just as loans, that one day must be given back to Him. Sometimes we become attached to things and forget that they are not ours for the keeping.

God knows the reasons he placed certain things and people in our lives and when their purpose has been completed, it is time to let them go.

So I guess God had to take you away in the way that He did, because your purpose was complete. No, you are no angel, but you taught me what I needed to know when I needed to know it. You were there, when I needed you, and now your time has come to an end.

Recent thoughts on my life

I think I understand why some things are working out the way they are. I often used to ponder the thought of why I was still single and not with the person my heart longed to be with.

For a while I couldn't write how I felt because all of the thoughts in my mind were all scrambled and confusing. So I waited. I waited until the storm had passed and the confusion was gone. I've learned to just live day by day, and my days seem to just follow in pursuit of the other, with the same route, same conversations, same emotions. But I want some excitement, something that will challenge me outside of my school work.

I once met a person, that I loved immediately, but I could tell something was keeping us away from each other and it wasn't something that either of us were doing, it seemed to be of a higher power. I never understood what it meant to pray for someone who didn't treat you the way you thought you should, until I met them. I prayed that God would heal them: emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Have you ever met someone who you knew weren't reaching their full potential because they had released a hurt? It was that type of situation. My heart ached for them when they were in pain and I cried for them when they were sad, and I rejoiced with them when they were happy.

When you meet someone that you instantly have a connection with, how do you keep that fire burning?

I tried so hard to, on my own, but as you know, it takes two.

I heard something not too long ago that stuck with me, and it was that if you don't already have something then it may not be for you to have or that God hasn't prepared you for it yet. And I'm thinking, it was only a friendship that was meant to help me in my time of seclusion.

I'm also learning that sometimes it's best to just let some things go and walk away from the situation, and God will bless you with something much greater than before. God knows what He has in store for us, and so we must trust Him and know He wants the best for us.

It's Over

I tried, but I'm tired.
I'm tired of going back and forth and no progression is taking place.
You don't appreciate me, you make me feel like I am beneath you.
I try to reach out to you and learn everything I can about you so that you're happy, but you obviously can't see my efforts.
Why would I continue to waste my time on someone who doesn't respect me, love me, or geniunely care about me?
I thought things would get better, but no, they have gotten intensely worse.
And now it's over.

Just Like the Others

It's funny how one day you can feel a certain way about a person and then the next feel the complete opposite. I thought I had a true friend in you, you let me down just like the others. I'm not surprised because in the back of my mind I always knew. You had your motives just like the others. As long as you were getting what you wanted out of the friendship, you were happy, but as soon as something went wrong on my part, you were ready to call it quits, just like the others.

And you piss me off so much, I can't believe I actually thought you would be different. I made myself available to you and I shared things with you I never told anyone, but then you turn around and just used me for your own benefits.

I thought you weren't like the others, but I obviously was wrong.

Going through the motions....

It's been a long time since I have written a new entry and so much has happened since since then. I am now a single woman, doing what I think I want to do.

I'm trying so hard to make up my mind about a certain issue. Do I or do I not? What is it that I really want? What am I afraid of? Full time, part time, or nothing at all??? Never speak, acquaintance, friendship, or more?? Keep playing the games or get real with myself and everyone else? Although I've been upfront from... day one, these internal feelings are coming to the surface........ Questions only I must answer.

My past feelings are returning to me; those feelings that should not be there. Those emotions that I thought I had completely repressed are resurfacing, but I'm not ready to deal with them right now. What is it that I am to do? When all you do is just go through the motions...

Only perfect on the surface

The days have past and now I am single again. I made the choice to do what I wanted to do. I wasn't going to regret the choice that I made, as long as no one got seriously hurt. But unfortunately, I can't say that no one did. I ended up hurting myself in the end. The choice I made was out of hurt and now I can't go back and turn back the hands of time. I gave something to somone who had no clue of its value and now it's lost forver. You can't give your most valued treasure to a stranger because they won't know how to appreciate it.

I opened my heart to let a stranger in, who was full of lies wrapped in a plate of truth. Everything that came out of his mouth, could be compared to chicken not fully cooked, it looks so good and done until you bite in it and blood starts dripping out from the side of your mouth. He appeared to be perfect on the surface, but on the inside, he was full of deceit.

Thoughts Running in My Mind at the moment.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed.

I give you a chance, to show me you are worth my time, and you let me down.
You weren't there when I needed you and I don't feel like I can trust you.

You are a complete stranger to me and I think you always will be.

I'm not really in one of those laughing or smiling moods. I don't feel like there's anything to smile about.

I feel like you lie to me every time we talk and I think that's the reason I don't allow myself to feel anything for you.


You know when you meet someone and realize after you have invested time into them, that they weren't worth the time you spent?
Yeah well that's pretty much how I feel at the present moment.

My life has completely changed since I met you,and I can't say for the better unfortunately.

To be in a relationship or even a friendship for that matter, there has to be open and honest communication. They moment you start lying, is the moment there is a breach in our friendship/relationship.

You can't lie to me and just expect for when I expose your lie and you say I'm sorry that the effects of you lying goes away. Trust has been broken and it will be a challenge for you to earn it back.

My suggestion is to tell the truth at all costs, even if you think it will hurt the person's feelings, because if they find out that you have been lying to them the whole time, that will hurt them even more.

There's a problem when you're in a relationship with someone and they're not the person you initially go to when you have an issue.

-I feel someone else is better at being sensitive to my wants/needs
-You have a lack of sincere concern
-You have selective hearing
-You only care about something if it will directly affect your status.

. . . . . . .

There's this feeling on the inside of me. It's a mixture of hurt, anger, and nervousness. It's like a well of tears forming inside my heart, just waiting to burst from my eyes, and stream down my cheeks. I don't know why I feel this way, but I can't smile. I don't want to talk because I can't explain this feeling.

Your Many Identities.....

I am intrigued on the number of identities you operate under. If you have lied about who are, why should I believe you haven't lied about other things. Who am I to believe?? You? I think not, the more I think about it, the more things that you have said to me have seemed like all lies. I have experienced people lying to me. Lying about their sexual orientation, lying about their past, and now you, lying about your identity.
I have done nothing but try to be open and honest with you concerning everything, but yet I feel there are so many secrets between us.

You kept your secrets hidden from me, afraid I would judge you. You were afraid of being open with me, afraid I would end all communication. But what you didn't understand is that through your lies, I saw a man that I could relate to. It wasn't your lies that attracted me to you, it was when you were vulnerable that I was drawn to you.

Way of Escape

I am thankful for that way of escape, for without it, there would be absolutely no way for me to make it out without any scrapes or bruises. Sometimes we put ourselves in certain predicaments, where we know we are walking on thin ice and trying our strength in the face of temptation.

You have to be prepared for whatever your weakness is at all times. Never allow your guard to be down, because if you get caught in that trap, it might be too late to turn around.

There are signs though that come to us when we know there is danger ahead. Just like when you're driving and there's a bridge out ahead, there will plenty of signs telling you to stop and turn around, or else you will run out of road and crash and die. You see all the orange signs that say the bridge is closed, but yet you still continue driving, thinking you can make it to your destination, despite this mishap. Maybe you're thinking you have magicial powers and with your car, you can fly over the bridge....
Well unfortunately, you will see that it is not possible, but by that time you are stuck and have no way of getting out.

But if you would just listened to the signs before you, instead of just passing them by.

God has provided us caution signs, that allows us to escape, to turn around, and get back to safety, before we make a fatal decision. You have the decision, which will you choose??.......The way of escape or the same route that only gets you no more???

I Need a Love

I need a love that will stand the test of time. A love that will last through the thousands of miles between us, through the lies & rumors, through the make-ups & break-ups, through the denials, and through the "I can't do this anymore's" I need a love that will love even after I tell you all about the garbage of my past. Is it possible? Does it exist??
I know I may be asking for the impossible, but I have that much faith that I believe it will come.

I told someone of all the past guys I used to talk to, and luckily, they are still my friend. It takes someone who truly loves you to stick around after you dump a pile of trash on them. Don't get me wrong, of course I had to help pick it all up and redeem myself.

As a young lady who has made the decision to be kept through the power of God, a decision had to be made that I wasn't going to just accept anything and everything that made its way up to me. You have to ask the right questions to get the answers you're looking for, because if not, you will just get a lot of mambo jumbo.

There is someone that says they love me, but what does that mean?
Can you love someone even when you don't REALLY know them?

Maybe you just love the thought of them. I hate to hear someone say "you're my wife", but yet you have absolutely no clue of who I am, nor how I am.

I would definitely say that in the least I am a handful, maybe 2, so you're not ready for a rollercoaster, you might want to stay clear of me, because once you enter into this den, you won't want to get out. You may think you do, but in reality, you won't.

I need a love that will love me as strong as I love it. A love that will protect me at all cost. And maybe even a love that will fight to keep me....

So again I ask, is this possible to achieve or am I just wishful thinking???

Since I've Been in This

So being in this new relationship, I must say, it has definitely been somewhat of a struggle. I had some other people in my mind and heart that I was keeping for a back-up plan or a just in case. But I was finally able to release those people. I refuse to settle for someone who I may just have a good friendship with, but no real love connection.

I am at a place in my life where I know who I am and I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve. Everyone deserves to be with someone that loves them and someone they love back. There has to be that desire to forsake all others for the one you're with. If someone else is consistently catching your eye, then you may not be with the right person or you may not be ready for that level of commitment.

I must say though I had many distractions coming in from all angles when I first started in this relationship, but I had to make up in my mind since I had made the decision to committ to this person, there must have been something extraordinary about him, so I must give him that respect. When you make up your mind that you will give your time to the one you're with, everyone else will see where your head is at and back up. Trust me.

That Dude

I haven't written in a while, but so much has happened.
A few months ago I was introduced to a man. This man was the person who I never thought in a million years I would fall for, but the inevitable happened, I fought and he fought back harder. Not with fists or with harsh words, but with love and tender kindness. He has been the only one to prove to me through the distance and miles, that he was that dude. LOL!
That dude to make me change the way I felt about love.
He came in and proved every idea I had about long distance relationships to be right in the beginning, but then when I was ready to give in to the pressure, he pushed even harder to win me over.
I sometimes question it, because I often ask myself, how can you fall for a complete stranger, but I cracked opened my heart just a little, and the next thing I know, he has busted it wide open.I hope this was the route God had planned for me to take. But I'm sure it is, because I ask Him at the beginning if this wasn't His will, to end it before my heart got into it and well.... I'm deep deep down into it and all I want to do is get deeper.
I love that dude, he's pretty great!!