I wish I knew what to do, but unfortunately, I don't.
I'm irritated with this whole thing and I know I deserve so much more. I can't pin point when things started going down hill, but I know things aren't as they were a month ago. Maybe this was way too rushed, but I thought I was ready; I obviously was wrong. Maybe it just needs more time, but as of right now, I don't think I'm willing to wait for that. I know this is not how a relationship is supposed to be. I don't know anymore.
The Ever So Changing Life of Ms. Wright (A.K.A. GOD'S BOO)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Questions of love, left unanswered.....
I really need to get it together. I'm trying to fight it, but these feelings are just too strong. Emotions are what drive us and what drive us astray. You cannot persuade without understanding them well, and so let's just say I'm being persuaded.
My mind and heart are at war with the decisions at hand.
Have I made a decision too quickly? Can I go back and undo what I have done?
I don't know what to do, no one seems to have the words to say. I have never been in this situation before and I feel hopeless. My mind is telling me to keep going and maybe it will work itself out, but then my heart remembers all too well that feeling
of exuberant joy. That feeling of butterflies and the forever growing desire to learn more.
Am I expecting too much to desire for it to be automatic and never die out like I know things could be?
Is my desire for an undying love unattainable?????
I think not....
But do I give it more time to grow, or cut it off at the root??
Do I follow my heart or listen to my mind??
Questions of love, left unanswered.....
My mind and heart are at war with the decisions at hand.
Have I made a decision too quickly? Can I go back and undo what I have done?
I don't know what to do, no one seems to have the words to say. I have never been in this situation before and I feel hopeless. My mind is telling me to keep going and maybe it will work itself out, but then my heart remembers all too well that feeling
of exuberant joy. That feeling of butterflies and the forever growing desire to learn more.
Am I expecting too much to desire for it to be automatic and never die out like I know things could be?
Is my desire for an undying love unattainable?????
I think not....
But do I give it more time to grow, or cut it off at the root??
Do I follow my heart or listen to my mind??
Questions of love, left unanswered.....
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Anger
Sometimes when we speak in anger, we often say things we don't mean.
We allow the situation at hand to get the best of us, and the anger inside of us surfaces.
I harbored anger in my heart for years before I would release it, sometimes on those who didn't deserve it, but in other cases, on the ones who needed it the most.
I am usually a calm, collective, and reserved person, but once that anger inside of me is triggered, there is no turning back and someone will be my target.
Trying to be nice to everyone, when they are rude and disrespectful, when they refuse to respect my personal space. That's when I get upset. I try to remain peaceful in the time of an arising storm, but the wind keeps on blowing more in my direction.
There is only so much I can handle before I am ready to explode and release this build up anger.
I am yet still learning to forgive and forget of all situations.
So therefore the feeling of anger from a childhood memory may still be in my heart, but my prayer is for God to release it, without hurting anyone, including myself.
"Waiting in Antipication"
I'm still waiting for that moment when the thought of real love can come out from under a rock and expose itself to me....until then I'll be "waiting in antipication".
Waiting to give mY all and feel it reciprocated 100%.
Waiting for a love that is not hidden from the world, but open and available.
Waiting in anticipation.
Every experience I have had and seen far has prepared me for my future.
Every scene of a woman not being loved and supported by the man she supposes she loves, or the woman who is afraid to depend on a man, or that woman who was too desperate and afraid to leave the man who treated her like the ground he walked on. That mother who thought she had done all could do, but in actuality, had done nothing.
That woman who could never open up and express her feelings to the ones that cared about her well-being.
That man who drank his worries away.
The man who beat his wife because he was insecure with himself.
That man who walked away from his child crying at his feet.
I am yet waiting in anticipation.
Waiting for the day a man will love me, provide for me, and protect me.
Waiting for a man to proclaim his love for me at the mountain tops.
Waiting for the day, when a relationship can go beyond what the eyes see,and touch what the heart feels.
Waiting in anticipation.
I've waited for 3 years for the right one to come along and sweep me off my feet.
And then someone came along. He became my bestfriend and I knew he would be become more, I just didn't know what that "more" would be.
Everything happened so fast and I did everything in my power to slow things down, but the train just kept coming at full speed.
I had patiently sifted through all the other guys I had met, but never really burning any bridges, and so when things became official with my bestfriend, there was a swarm of calls about the new status.
But things still aren't quite as they should be.
It's still early so I will try my best to be optimistic about this situation.
So therefore, I will be optimistically waiting in antipication.
Waiting to give mY all and feel it reciprocated 100%.
Waiting for a love that is not hidden from the world, but open and available.
Waiting in anticipation.
Every experience I have had and seen far has prepared me for my future.
Every scene of a woman not being loved and supported by the man she supposes she loves, or the woman who is afraid to depend on a man, or that woman who was too desperate and afraid to leave the man who treated her like the ground he walked on. That mother who thought she had done all could do, but in actuality, had done nothing.
That woman who could never open up and express her feelings to the ones that cared about her well-being.
That man who drank his worries away.
The man who beat his wife because he was insecure with himself.
That man who walked away from his child crying at his feet.
I am yet waiting in anticipation.
Waiting for the day a man will love me, provide for me, and protect me.
Waiting for a man to proclaim his love for me at the mountain tops.
Waiting for the day, when a relationship can go beyond what the eyes see,and touch what the heart feels.
Waiting in anticipation.
I've waited for 3 years for the right one to come along and sweep me off my feet.
And then someone came along. He became my bestfriend and I knew he would be become more, I just didn't know what that "more" would be.
Everything happened so fast and I did everything in my power to slow things down, but the train just kept coming at full speed.
I had patiently sifted through all the other guys I had met, but never really burning any bridges, and so when things became official with my bestfriend, there was a swarm of calls about the new status.
But things still aren't quite as they should be.
It's still early so I will try my best to be optimistic about this situation.
So therefore, I will be optimistically waiting in antipication.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Anger
The boundaries were crossed and in the situation, I felt victimized and violated.
Your stupidity will leave you alone and because the ones that you should be worried about, you have left in the dust.
Do you think that it is other people that continue to put you into this same exact situation? I think not, it obviously has to be you.
I had been harboring this feeling for so very long, just covering it back up every time it would arise, but as it began to boiled over inside of me, I just lost all control.
It's you, you are the center of it all, I do not say much, because I do not have too many nice things to say to you.
I'm frustrated because you continue to do this, and you're so selfish, but you walk around thinking everything and everyone is just so peachy.
WELL OPEN YOUR EYES!! Everything is not good, as a matter of fact, everyone hates you.
It's your ignorance of it all, that will make everyone leave you and never look back.
You pissed me off, and I was ready to end your life, but there was a force holding me back. It was holding my fist back and my tongue.
You have no idea, all this that is inside of me, and trust me when I blow up, it will be all over.
Your stupidity will leave you alone and because the ones that you should be worried about, you have left in the dust.
Do you think that it is other people that continue to put you into this same exact situation? I think not, it obviously has to be you.
I had been harboring this feeling for so very long, just covering it back up every time it would arise, but as it began to boiled over inside of me, I just lost all control.
It's you, you are the center of it all, I do not say much, because I do not have too many nice things to say to you.
I'm frustrated because you continue to do this, and you're so selfish, but you walk around thinking everything and everyone is just so peachy.
WELL OPEN YOUR EYES!! Everything is not good, as a matter of fact, everyone hates you.
It's your ignorance of it all, that will make everyone leave you and never look back.
You pissed me off, and I was ready to end your life, but there was a force holding me back. It was holding my fist back and my tongue.
You have no idea, all this that is inside of me, and trust me when I blow up, it will be all over.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
When She Fell for a Friend
It started as just an innocent crush, as something so pure. She thought he was cute and thought it would be no harm in becoming his friend. She promised she did not plan for things to move into the direction they were going, it just happened. It was a natural progression. He understood her jokes and knew the tone of her voice without even hearing her speak. He just got her. She didn't have to explain to him how she felt, because he already knew. He made her talk when she did not feel like talking and made her laugh when she was ready to explode in anger.
He was the one she could tell her secrets to and could feel free of judgement. They have an intense chemistry that no one can come in between, no matter how hard they try. He's her friend, a friend she loves. He knows everything about her, and they're yet still friends. She must be the most blessed person of all, to have a friend that knows all about her and still loves her for her, not because he has to, but because he wants to.
She cherishes their friendship and to be honest although she tells him almost everything, she can't seem to tell him about the way she feels about him. She knows there are boundaries that go unsaid, but she wants to cross them so bad. But she also does not want to risk losing the best friend she has had in her life.
He was the one she could tell her secrets to and could feel free of judgement. They have an intense chemistry that no one can come in between, no matter how hard they try. He's her friend, a friend she loves. He knows everything about her, and they're yet still friends. She must be the most blessed person of all, to have a friend that knows all about her and still loves her for her, not because he has to, but because he wants to.
She cherishes their friendship and to be honest although she tells him almost everything, she can't seem to tell him about the way she feels about him. She knows there are boundaries that go unsaid, but she wants to cross them so bad. But she also does not want to risk losing the best friend she has had in her life.
Monday, October 12, 2009
The Set Example
If you haven't realized by now, you are a living example. You have people looking at the way you live your life on a daily basis, but do you care? No, you don't, you continue to live the way you want, despite any consequences there are. You say don't make the same mistakes you made, but that is all I see, MISTAKES, that you continually make. I don't know how much more of this I can take, I need to get out of this situation. You have been doing this for as long as I can remember, when will this ever stop?
I'm trying to understand how you expect to be a leader to someone, when what you always go by is "do as I say, not as I do". That does not work, so if I decide to stop all communication with you, don't be surprised. You try to look down on people for their lifestyles, but you are not in any situation to pointing the finger at anyone. I believe holiness is right, despite the example set before me.
I'm trying to understand how you expect to be a leader to someone, when what you always go by is "do as I say, not as I do". That does not work, so if I decide to stop all communication with you, don't be surprised. You try to look down on people for their lifestyles, but you are not in any situation to pointing the finger at anyone. I believe holiness is right, despite the example set before me.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
My Mistake
There seems to be no way out for you and I, and it seems to be the story of our lives.
I know I should be happy, but I have a feeling that this thing is just not right.
What you do see when you look me in the eyes, please don't begin telling me lies.
Don't tell me all about the lies you told
And about how you had such low self-control.
Don't tell me about how everything was my fault.
I know we were a mistake, but a mistake we thought was worth repeating.
We kept getting caught up into each others' trap, but never really fighting to get out.
You had your issues and so did I, but not once did that ever stop us from continuing.
Guilt begin to overtake me and I begin to back away, but once loneliness begin to creep up on me again, you came to mind.
I know you were my mistake and now I must forget you.
I couldn't fall in love with you, because I loved another.
You were just there momentarily, but he will here for eternity.
I know I should be happy, but I have a feeling that this thing is just not right.
What you do see when you look me in the eyes, please don't begin telling me lies.
Don't tell me all about the lies you told
And about how you had such low self-control.
Don't tell me about how everything was my fault.
I know we were a mistake, but a mistake we thought was worth repeating.
We kept getting caught up into each others' trap, but never really fighting to get out.
You had your issues and so did I, but not once did that ever stop us from continuing.
Guilt begin to overtake me and I begin to back away, but once loneliness begin to creep up on me again, you came to mind.
I know you were my mistake and now I must forget you.
I couldn't fall in love with you, because I loved another.
You were just there momentarily, but he will here for eternity.
My Side of the Story
This is my side of the story. I am going to tell you what really happened from the beginning to the end.
I saw him sitting there, looking a little rough. I wasn't really paying him any attention because he was not the one I had my eye on. It was going around that I was married, but of course no one was brave enough to approach me about it. The entire time I felt some one's eyes on me and in the end, who would have known, I would have looked into those eyes to find a bitter soul. A soul I was only supposed to guide out of brokenness, not fall in love with. But it was throughout this journey with him that that soul drifted away farther and farther away. Into an abyss of corruption, forever disconnecting any type of relationship we could have ever had.
At first it was fun and exciting, but I did not realize until it was over, all the people that stood in place, trying to warn me not to get too attached. I was blamed in the end, but that is fine, as long as he knew he would have never found someone like me again. I now know, he and I were not meant for each other. He wanted everyone in the rooms attention, whereas if you wanted mine, you would have to earn it. I guess reality never completely hit home for him and even if it did, he would probably never admit it.
I have seen him around and the chemistry we once had has vanished away because he has been tainted more now than then. When I looked at him I did not see any of the anointing that once resided with him. Please know that I cared for him and I would have done almost anything for him, but when you take that for granted, situations usually end up where you do not want them.
My heart was broken after that experience, but with time I have healed and I am more stronger and more resilient. My trust was broken and even to this day, I have learned not to trust so easily. I am glad I only shared my untangibles with him, because life would have been completely different otherwise.
These days I refuse to waste time on people who cannot make time for me and neither should anyone else. If you choose to make that type of connection with a young lady, do not lie to her and do not secretly do things that if brought to light could ultimately crush her. Because one thing is for sure, you will reap what you sow. Maybe not tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year, but you better know one day you will.
So this is my side of the story and although I still kept it very vague and I kept some things out, the point is to learn from past mistakes and do not allow yourself to be put in a situation where you're not being treated as well as you should. Because if you allow someone to treat like dirt, they probably will. Yes I have high expections, and those expectations are not met, trust me I will dismiss any chance forthere to be anything but a friendship/association.
I saw him sitting there, looking a little rough. I wasn't really paying him any attention because he was not the one I had my eye on. It was going around that I was married, but of course no one was brave enough to approach me about it. The entire time I felt some one's eyes on me and in the end, who would have known, I would have looked into those eyes to find a bitter soul. A soul I was only supposed to guide out of brokenness, not fall in love with. But it was throughout this journey with him that that soul drifted away farther and farther away. Into an abyss of corruption, forever disconnecting any type of relationship we could have ever had.
At first it was fun and exciting, but I did not realize until it was over, all the people that stood in place, trying to warn me not to get too attached. I was blamed in the end, but that is fine, as long as he knew he would have never found someone like me again. I now know, he and I were not meant for each other. He wanted everyone in the rooms attention, whereas if you wanted mine, you would have to earn it. I guess reality never completely hit home for him and even if it did, he would probably never admit it.
I have seen him around and the chemistry we once had has vanished away because he has been tainted more now than then. When I looked at him I did not see any of the anointing that once resided with him. Please know that I cared for him and I would have done almost anything for him, but when you take that for granted, situations usually end up where you do not want them.
My heart was broken after that experience, but with time I have healed and I am more stronger and more resilient. My trust was broken and even to this day, I have learned not to trust so easily. I am glad I only shared my untangibles with him, because life would have been completely different otherwise.
These days I refuse to waste time on people who cannot make time for me and neither should anyone else. If you choose to make that type of connection with a young lady, do not lie to her and do not secretly do things that if brought to light could ultimately crush her. Because one thing is for sure, you will reap what you sow. Maybe not tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year, but you better know one day you will.
So this is my side of the story and although I still kept it very vague and I kept some things out, the point is to learn from past mistakes and do not allow yourself to be put in a situation where you're not being treated as well as you should. Because if you allow someone to treat like dirt, they probably will. Yes I have high expections, and those expectations are not met, trust me I will dismiss any chance forthere to be anything but a friendship/association.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Don't Know What to Do.....
I feel you knocking on the door of my heart, but I don't know how to let you in.
I want to welcome you in, but something keeps stopping me.
Is is my past? Maybe, but what are you going to do?
Would you break down the door and break in through a window, or would you just forget about it and walk away?
I feel as if I have missed some great opportunities because of this fear I continue to harbor in my heart.
I don't want to go back to the people that used to be stand-ins.
Someone that used to just occupy my time until someone interesting came along.
I want something real, something that I'm not afraid to run and tell the world about.
Life is hard when you have trust issues, and when I thought I had gotten over it, I was proven wrong.
I attempt to walk daily in confidence, but sometimes things get the worst of me.
I have really been able to open up to one person, but that person could not even be with me, but for unknown reasons, the feelings and emotions were mutual between us.
Why do I always seem to meet unavailable people?
I want to welcome you in, but something keeps stopping me.
Is is my past? Maybe, but what are you going to do?
Would you break down the door and break in through a window, or would you just forget about it and walk away?
I feel as if I have missed some great opportunities because of this fear I continue to harbor in my heart.
I don't want to go back to the people that used to be stand-ins.
Someone that used to just occupy my time until someone interesting came along.
I want something real, something that I'm not afraid to run and tell the world about.
Life is hard when you have trust issues, and when I thought I had gotten over it, I was proven wrong.
I attempt to walk daily in confidence, but sometimes things get the worst of me.
I have really been able to open up to one person, but that person could not even be with me, but for unknown reasons, the feelings and emotions were mutual between us.
Why do I always seem to meet unavailable people?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I Am Ready....
I wish you were here for me to look into your eyes and see that look I have been dieing to see. I want to see the inner beauty and understanding that lies in your eyes.
If only you were here so that I could give you that sweet smile, and that unspoken invite.
That unspoken invite that whispers come and sweep me off my feet.
That sweet smile that screams I LOVE YOU!!!
If only you really knew how I felt about you.
I am tired of holding this back. Yes,you know I love you, but there's more to it than just that.
I'm ready.
I am ready to call you my own.
I am ready to go beyond being just a boo or babe.
Although I haven't made this type of commitment in years, I believe now is the time.
I was once too easily distracted, but now I'm focused and ready for what the future has in store.
I once had past ugly emotions that I was still harboring and until I was free of them, all of my relationships would suffer.
I was once living in my past rather than in the present. My life was just passing me by, but now I have a new grasp on life, and it is much sweeter than before.
I'm ready for a new start with a great person......
and perhaps that great person might just be YOU!!
If only you were here so that I could give you that sweet smile, and that unspoken invite.
That unspoken invite that whispers come and sweep me off my feet.
That sweet smile that screams I LOVE YOU!!!
If only you really knew how I felt about you.
I am tired of holding this back. Yes,you know I love you, but there's more to it than just that.
I'm ready.
I am ready to call you my own.
I am ready to go beyond being just a boo or babe.
Although I haven't made this type of commitment in years, I believe now is the time.
I was once too easily distracted, but now I'm focused and ready for what the future has in store.
I once had past ugly emotions that I was still harboring and until I was free of them, all of my relationships would suffer.
I was once living in my past rather than in the present. My life was just passing me by, but now I have a new grasp on life, and it is much sweeter than before.
I'm ready for a new start with a great person......
and perhaps that great person might just be YOU!!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Emotionally Unstable
I wish I could say I understood what was happening around me and to me, but I don't.
I feel myself reaching out, but scared of who or what I will touch.
I am afraid to open my mouth, because I don't want to say something that I would regret.
I am afraid to open my eyes, because I don't want anyone to see into my soul.
I am afraid to open my heart, because then it could get broken again and I don't want to take that chance.
I am emotionally unstable right now, not knowing which direction to go.
I keep myself at a distance from people because I am afraid to show them the real me, afraid they won't like what they see.
To be emotionally unstable for me means having to take each day as it comes, whether good or bad.
Lately I haven't been having the greatest days, not wanting to leave my room, and definitely not the house.
I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone or be touched anymore, feeling a need to turn people away that may actually sincerely care about me.
I could cry because I keep allowing myself to be put into situations where I am being used as a rebound.
They come out of a relationship, they have a bad argument, or just bored and looking for something to do, and I, for whatever reason, seem to make myself available.
I end up feeling stupid, used, and yet again alone.
I try to make friends, but people don't know what a friendship is these days.
They all seem to want friends with benefits, well I am not that type of girl and if I am rude about it, well too bad because I don't even care anymore.
I wish I could become a stable individiual but right now that's just not the case.
My need to feel in control of everything often is my wall to block someone else from controlling me and the situation.
I feel if I do give someone the power they would use it to completely destroy me and everything I have worked so hard to achieve.
My trust issues have not yet completely vanished and they hold me in a stand still position and I am utterly afraid to move from that place.
I know what I have come across over the past few years and it has not been a very pleasant experience.
I did not always be this way, but it was I began venturing out into the real world, meeting real people outside of my comfort zone that reality set in.
Reality is that I had been in this box for so long, I never knew what to expect from things outside of the norm I had created for myself.
I still sometimes feel as if I have one foot outside the box and one still in, but the one that's still in, is fighting to win and for me to get back in the box forever to stay.
But how do I overcome this fear?
This fear of rejection, denial, loneliness, heartbreak?
Someone help me......
I feel myself reaching out, but scared of who or what I will touch.
I am afraid to open my mouth, because I don't want to say something that I would regret.
I am afraid to open my eyes, because I don't want anyone to see into my soul.
I am afraid to open my heart, because then it could get broken again and I don't want to take that chance.
I am emotionally unstable right now, not knowing which direction to go.
I keep myself at a distance from people because I am afraid to show them the real me, afraid they won't like what they see.
To be emotionally unstable for me means having to take each day as it comes, whether good or bad.
Lately I haven't been having the greatest days, not wanting to leave my room, and definitely not the house.
I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone or be touched anymore, feeling a need to turn people away that may actually sincerely care about me.
I could cry because I keep allowing myself to be put into situations where I am being used as a rebound.
They come out of a relationship, they have a bad argument, or just bored and looking for something to do, and I, for whatever reason, seem to make myself available.
I end up feeling stupid, used, and yet again alone.
I try to make friends, but people don't know what a friendship is these days.
They all seem to want friends with benefits, well I am not that type of girl and if I am rude about it, well too bad because I don't even care anymore.
I wish I could become a stable individiual but right now that's just not the case.
My need to feel in control of everything often is my wall to block someone else from controlling me and the situation.
I feel if I do give someone the power they would use it to completely destroy me and everything I have worked so hard to achieve.
My trust issues have not yet completely vanished and they hold me in a stand still position and I am utterly afraid to move from that place.
I know what I have come across over the past few years and it has not been a very pleasant experience.
I did not always be this way, but it was I began venturing out into the real world, meeting real people outside of my comfort zone that reality set in.
Reality is that I had been in this box for so long, I never knew what to expect from things outside of the norm I had created for myself.
I still sometimes feel as if I have one foot outside the box and one still in, but the one that's still in, is fighting to win and for me to get back in the box forever to stay.
But how do I overcome this fear?
This fear of rejection, denial, loneliness, heartbreak?
Someone help me......
Thursday, July 16, 2009
My Daddy
A healing is taking place in my heart.
God is filling a void that I had been forced to live with for 21 years. The pain I've had to live with has been unbearable at times, but yet somehow I made.
Daddy's arms has been the place I've been trying to find for such a long time. It's that place that nothing even matters anymore. The looks that people like to give don't even matter anymore. The things that people like to say doesn't even matter anymore, because I'm in my Daddy's Arms.
It's the way he just sometimes stares at me, seeing himself in me.
Seeing a part of him that has sprouted out into such a beautiful creation.
The look of awe that this is his seed, his blood.
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With my Daddy not being there for me as a child growing up, there were other men that tried to stand up to plate and stand in proxy for him. But it's something when it's a Father and his Daughter. No one can spoil her just like he can. There is something about the love of a father to his daughter that no on can give.
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This healing process had to take place because I was scared to be with a man and completely give my heart, mind, and body to him because I was afraid. I was afraid that once I did all of that, that he would leave me there all alone and hurt, without any explaination. So as I experienced things at a young age, it had began to get easier to just close myself off and put up a wall. It wasn't only against men, but women as well. The thought of someone getting close put fear in me, and still today I learning to just step out of my comfort zone and take a chance. It's not easy for me by no means and people always think I am just conservative, but alot of the time, it's just my fear. I hide behind it contrary to what I know that God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind. God is still working on me and for that I will be so ever thankful.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
This Person............
It absolutely, positively amazes me how one day you can just piss me off completely and then the next day, make me fall utterly in love with you.
You make me want to go back and start afresh with you.
And each time we crumble, and you put us back together again, I'm reminded of our beginning a few years back.
A time when I was in such denial of the way I felt about you.
Even when I thought I had met someone that could make me happy, you stood there always wanting to protect me from getting hurt. And at that time I didn't understand why you were blocking, but now I get it. Thanks.
I didn't always listen to you, but now it seems as if you are all that's left and coincidentally all that I want and could ever need.
I had been in this bubble and you have been the one to break in and help me break out.
I appreciate you more and more each time we talk.
But I don't know what the future holds for us, because we have already have a "set-up", that I know I don't really want.
I want to be more and I'm willing to wait because I feel like you're worth it.
Wow!! I'm scared of the way I feel right now.
It's like I know I shouldn't feel this way about this person, but my heart and mind are strong and the way I feel hasn't gone away, but it's only getting stronger.
I've always said a friend is the best companion, but I didn't know it would be this person. I know everyone has always said something about us, but it was too much of a fairytale to believe it. But I love talking to him everyday, for hours about nothing.
I love his affection and his attention. I love how I smile when I see him and how I just light up in his presence and the twinkle he puts in my eye.
But I'm not dating right now.....But what am I waiting for???
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Enough is enough!!!!!!!
It's so amazing to me how people think they can just say and do anything towards you that they feel is right, when they know it's not. I'm not dealing with people anymore and their attitudes. I'm not lending a helping hand because I'm learning from sitting back and watching how you are just like the rest of them. You talk about people behind their backs and you probably talk about me as well. So yeah I bet you are wondering why I haven't been calling or texting, well it's because I have nothing to say to you. You are a user and someone who just runs their mouth. You are just like rest of them, except you are not AS messy. You do the same exact things, if not more, but you've learned to cover your tracks to make sure you don't get caught. Well I've had enough so if I don't respond to you, don't even be upset because you had it coming!!!Enough is enough!!!!!!!
Monday, July 13, 2009
What Was in My Past
I often found myself screaming your name, but you didn’t seem to hear me. Your ears had fallen deaf to my sirens and your heart immune to my love.
I loved you too much and now I am hurt in my heart. As time passed my love for you grew. It grew but you went away. You departed from me, leaving me without a map to find my way. I had lost you and now my desire for you is no longer there. I learned not to get too attached anymore and maybe that will cause me less grief. I wish I would have never experienced love so that I wouldn’t have had to experience that pain and hurt.
I had gotten tired of everyone that I was interested in falling into one of the three categories: gay, too old for me, or married. And then if there was someone I might be remotely interested in, he was not saved or if he was, he was too busy for me. So I no longer wanted to date. I didn’t want to take the time to get to know anyone and put my heart at risk of getting hurt, because from experience I had learned it was not worth it.
I loved you too much and now I am hurt in my heart. As time passed my love for you grew. It grew but you went away. You departed from me, leaving me without a map to find my way. I had lost you and now my desire for you is no longer there. I learned not to get too attached anymore and maybe that will cause me less grief. I wish I would have never experienced love so that I wouldn’t have had to experience that pain and hurt.
I had gotten tired of everyone that I was interested in falling into one of the three categories: gay, too old for me, or married. And then if there was someone I might be remotely interested in, he was not saved or if he was, he was too busy for me. So I no longer wanted to date. I didn’t want to take the time to get to know anyone and put my heart at risk of getting hurt, because from experience I had learned it was not worth it.
Can't Run Away From My Thoughts
I’m trying to run away from this thought of you that you have placed in my mind.
I’m trying so hard to fight it and deny myself of its pleasures.
I don’t know why I allowed myself to get pulled into that situation, but I was so weak.
I let my curiosity get the best of me, of what I knew was wrong.
But I had overridden what I knew to be right and the entire time I was fighting myself trying not to enjoy what I knew in my heart, mind, body, and soul to be pure evil.
But I kept going.
I kept going until I was purely busted and disgusted with my actions and yours.
It was after about a couple of hours that I had regained control over my mind and body and realized the mistake I just made.
At least I can say, I learned a little from my previous experience, but obviously not enough, because I allowed myself to be used.
I wish there was someone I could turn to, that truly understood what I was going through.
I needed someone that would not judge, but rather someone who had maybe once experienced this before themselves and made it out of the lion’s den.
I often think what if I had not made that commitment 6 years ago, what type of woman would I be.
I honestly believe my life would be totally different, but God spared me for a reason.
He has a plan in mind that He wants me to fulfill and I guess I must be kept on
I’m trying so hard to fight it and deny myself of its pleasures.
I don’t know why I allowed myself to get pulled into that situation, but I was so weak.
I let my curiosity get the best of me, of what I knew was wrong.
But I had overridden what I knew to be right and the entire time I was fighting myself trying not to enjoy what I knew in my heart, mind, body, and soul to be pure evil.
But I kept going.
I kept going until I was purely busted and disgusted with my actions and yours.
It was after about a couple of hours that I had regained control over my mind and body and realized the mistake I just made.
At least I can say, I learned a little from my previous experience, but obviously not enough, because I allowed myself to be used.
I wish there was someone I could turn to, that truly understood what I was going through.
I needed someone that would not judge, but rather someone who had maybe once experienced this before themselves and made it out of the lion’s den.
I often think what if I had not made that commitment 6 years ago, what type of woman would I be.
I honestly believe my life would be totally different, but God spared me for a reason.
He has a plan in mind that He wants me to fulfill and I guess I must be kept on
Monday, June 22, 2009
Someone of the Past
There was something that I always loved about you.
It might have been the fact that I knew we could never have been together, or the fact that no one else felt the same way about you as I did.
It might have been the look you would give me that I just couldn't deny.
Well I'm not that little girl anymore and I am grown woman capable of making my own decisions and even if you never get to know that side of me, secretly I would have loved to open the invitation.
Everyone knew the way I would light up when you would walk down the aisle and ever so lightly tap me on my arm.
It might have been a crush that turned into infatuation, but unfortunately after 10 years, it still rings in my heart.
It might have been the fact that I knew we could never have been together, or the fact that no one else felt the same way about you as I did.
It might have been the look you would give me that I just couldn't deny.
Well I'm not that little girl anymore and I am grown woman capable of making my own decisions and even if you never get to know that side of me, secretly I would have loved to open the invitation.
Everyone knew the way I would light up when you would walk down the aisle and ever so lightly tap me on my arm.
It might have been a crush that turned into infatuation, but unfortunately after 10 years, it still rings in my heart.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
My God
So today I allowed myself to drift away to the place in my mind where I had to just think about everything that is going on with me, to me, and around me.
I thought about how nothing seems to be going right, but I know God is still able.
I know He is still a provider and a way maker.
I allowed myself to go there to see that although I may be in a dry place at the moment, as long as I stay grounded in Him, no weapon formed against me shall prosper.
I refuse to allow my circumstances and situations around me to determine my lifes end.
I am a strong woman of God and I will trust Him at all costs.
In this time of isolation, I will invest my time building my relationship with Him, for He wants all of me right now.
I believe He is preparing me for who He has created just for me, but I must not divert from the path.
I would hate to miss my blessing, because I have diverted from the path for an instant gratification.
I'm learning that no one can love you like the Lord.
Men will lie to you and say whatever is needed to get what they want.
But God loves you in spite of everything, when you're having a bad day or good day.
He won't use you for His own selfish wants, but will invest in you everything He has to give.
There's nobody like God and the more I live the better I find that to be true.
I thought about how nothing seems to be going right, but I know God is still able.
I know He is still a provider and a way maker.
I allowed myself to go there to see that although I may be in a dry place at the moment, as long as I stay grounded in Him, no weapon formed against me shall prosper.
I refuse to allow my circumstances and situations around me to determine my lifes end.
I am a strong woman of God and I will trust Him at all costs.
In this time of isolation, I will invest my time building my relationship with Him, for He wants all of me right now.
I believe He is preparing me for who He has created just for me, but I must not divert from the path.
I would hate to miss my blessing, because I have diverted from the path for an instant gratification.
I'm learning that no one can love you like the Lord.
Men will lie to you and say whatever is needed to get what they want.
But God loves you in spite of everything, when you're having a bad day or good day.
He won't use you for His own selfish wants, but will invest in you everything He has to give.
There's nobody like God and the more I live the better I find that to be true.
You and your selfishness
I'm extremely irritated with the decisions you choose to make.
Why would you allow him to control your every move?
Making the decisions of where you can go, what time you can go, and who you can go with?
While you know the everyone is watching every step you take.
You are supposed to be grown and I know you were able and more than capable to make your own decisions before they came along.
Can you just imagine the drama you put people through when you make some of the decisions that you make?
So the next time you decide you want to play with someones heart, I need you to think of that person that you could potentially hurt.
You may not understand why they continue to deal with you, but they do.
You may not understand why out of all the things you put them through, they still in the end have your back.
But do you care about their feelings?
No!
You are too busy caring about yourself and being selfish.
So as long as you continue being selfish, no one will want to do anything for you.
No one wants to deal with a selfish person as yourself because you don't bring anything to the table.
Everything is not all about you.
And I'm sorry to be the one to inform you, but the world doesn't revolve around you and you are not the center of the universe.
Why would you allow him to control your every move?
Making the decisions of where you can go, what time you can go, and who you can go with?
While you know the everyone is watching every step you take.
You are supposed to be grown and I know you were able and more than capable to make your own decisions before they came along.
Can you just imagine the drama you put people through when you make some of the decisions that you make?
So the next time you decide you want to play with someones heart, I need you to think of that person that you could potentially hurt.
You may not understand why they continue to deal with you, but they do.
You may not understand why out of all the things you put them through, they still in the end have your back.
But do you care about their feelings?
No!
You are too busy caring about yourself and being selfish.
So as long as you continue being selfish, no one will want to do anything for you.
No one wants to deal with a selfish person as yourself because you don't bring anything to the table.
Everything is not all about you.
And I'm sorry to be the one to inform you, but the world doesn't revolve around you and you are not the center of the universe.
I'm Done
He has taken everyone away from me.
I am seriously left all alone.
There's no one to call on but Him when I want and need someone to talk to.
I sometimes want to call up people of my past but God already knows the path I often want to travel and won't allow them to even be available.
So what now?
Where do I go?
What do I do?
I'm growing up and people aren't sugarcoding things for me anymore.
I really just want to crawl in a box and lock myself in.
Away from life, trouble, my thoughts, my feelings, and even love.
I just don't know anymore, I'm not sure of anything or anyone.
Everyone is letting me down.
I feel like my whole world is tumbling all around me and crumbling under my feet.
I'm losing my balance.
But I refuse to lose this war.
My mind is all over the place and I'm having trouble expressing the way I feel to people, afraid that they will reject me.
Afraid they will leave me.
Afraid they will judge me and realize I'm not worth lending an ear to.
Because I'm young, people think I don't struggle.
They think I don't have a care in the world, but that's not true.
My heart has been broken too many times, and well frankly I'm not too willing to give it another try.
I've been down that road so many times and each time it failed and the pain hurt me more than the last.
Well I'm done. I'm done being hurt and I'm done being used.
I'm done with it all.
I am seriously left all alone.
There's no one to call on but Him when I want and need someone to talk to.
I sometimes want to call up people of my past but God already knows the path I often want to travel and won't allow them to even be available.
So what now?
Where do I go?
What do I do?
I'm growing up and people aren't sugarcoding things for me anymore.
I really just want to crawl in a box and lock myself in.
Away from life, trouble, my thoughts, my feelings, and even love.
I just don't know anymore, I'm not sure of anything or anyone.
Everyone is letting me down.
I feel like my whole world is tumbling all around me and crumbling under my feet.
I'm losing my balance.
But I refuse to lose this war.
My mind is all over the place and I'm having trouble expressing the way I feel to people, afraid that they will reject me.
Afraid they will leave me.
Afraid they will judge me and realize I'm not worth lending an ear to.
Because I'm young, people think I don't struggle.
They think I don't have a care in the world, but that's not true.
My heart has been broken too many times, and well frankly I'm not too willing to give it another try.
I've been down that road so many times and each time it failed and the pain hurt me more than the last.
Well I'm done. I'm done being hurt and I'm done being used.
I'm done with it all.
Monday, June 15, 2009
A Mother
How would a mother feel if her child told her she no longer wanted to live in the enviroment she has created for her?
How would she feel if her child told her she could honestly live without the example she has been living before her?
How would she feel if her child just up and leaved and never came back?
How could a mother not know her child?
How could a mother be so oblivious to her child's emotions and feelings?
How could a mother just ignore the facts that slap her in the face that her child is uncomfortable?
How could a mother continue to dismiss the fact that her child would rather live with someone else and be away from her.
A MOTHER
A MOTHER
A MOTHER
This is not the type of mother I choose to be.....
BUT.............................................
I guess we cannot all have the world's greatest moms
How would she feel if her child told her she could honestly live without the example she has been living before her?
How would she feel if her child just up and leaved and never came back?
How could a mother not know her child?
How could a mother be so oblivious to her child's emotions and feelings?
How could a mother just ignore the facts that slap her in the face that her child is uncomfortable?
How could a mother continue to dismiss the fact that her child would rather live with someone else and be away from her.
A MOTHER
A MOTHER
A MOTHER
This is not the type of mother I choose to be.....
BUT.............................................
I guess we cannot all have the world's greatest moms
My Unhappiness
So that's it.
It's over just like that, so you say at least.
But I think this time you're serious about it being over.
I must say I'm disappointed because I no longer have anyone.
No one to talk to and make me feel wanted and needed.
No one to just be there and make me feel like a real woman.
If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have just left me here to suffer by myself.
I know I wanted more but I honestly believed if you really wanted it bad enough you could have given me what I truly desired.
So did you just want me for my physical attractiveness?
Or was it more?
I'm no longer wearing a smile on my face because I'm not happy by any means.
It's over just like that, so you say at least.
But I think this time you're serious about it being over.
I must say I'm disappointed because I no longer have anyone.
No one to talk to and make me feel wanted and needed.
No one to just be there and make me feel like a real woman.
If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have just left me here to suffer by myself.
I know I wanted more but I honestly believed if you really wanted it bad enough you could have given me what I truly desired.
So did you just want me for my physical attractiveness?
Or was it more?
I'm no longer wearing a smile on my face because I'm not happy by any means.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Words from my heart
There is something about me that you will never learn because you haven't been there.
I was disappointed by the fact that I never heard anything, but I'm not hurt because hey you've already been gone for years so I have blocked you from my heart and you only remained in my mind.
I was so ready for you to save the day and carry me away to a safehouse where I no longer had to deal with this life I'm living.
This place I dread waking up to everyday.
The place where I only feel safe in my room, my sanctuary, my place where it's only me.
A place where I stay isolated because I have yet to find someone truly worthy enough to withstand all of me.
I am tired of being disappointed by people.
I am tired of people saying one thing to me and when I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, they always fall through.
But I guess that is life right?
It is funny to me when people only want bits and pieces of me, when all I'm offering is all of me, then they say I'm too much.
Well since people can't handle all of me, they will receive none of me.
For I am a full and complete package that God so intricately made. And I believe He has made someone just for me.
Not someone that's been messed over or tainted, but rather someone pure of heart and ready to tackle every aspect of me.
Not someone that when I need them the most I cannot reach them, like so many seem to be these days.
Yes, I am disappointed, but I guess that is why you should not put your trust in man, but in God and Him alone!
I was disappointed by the fact that I never heard anything, but I'm not hurt because hey you've already been gone for years so I have blocked you from my heart and you only remained in my mind.
I was so ready for you to save the day and carry me away to a safehouse where I no longer had to deal with this life I'm living.
This place I dread waking up to everyday.
The place where I only feel safe in my room, my sanctuary, my place where it's only me.
A place where I stay isolated because I have yet to find someone truly worthy enough to withstand all of me.
I am tired of being disappointed by people.
I am tired of people saying one thing to me and when I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, they always fall through.
But I guess that is life right?
It is funny to me when people only want bits and pieces of me, when all I'm offering is all of me, then they say I'm too much.
Well since people can't handle all of me, they will receive none of me.
For I am a full and complete package that God so intricately made. And I believe He has made someone just for me.
Not someone that's been messed over or tainted, but rather someone pure of heart and ready to tackle every aspect of me.
Not someone that when I need them the most I cannot reach them, like so many seem to be these days.
Yes, I am disappointed, but I guess that is why you should not put your trust in man, but in God and Him alone!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
It's only growing stronger
I'm trying to figure out what's drawing me to you.
Is it the way you look into my eyes and give me your undivided attention?
Or the way you touch my hand to let me know you're listening..
Or how you know exactly what I mean when I look certain ways...
It's only growing stronger, the way I feel about you.
I have finally convinced myself that it's ok to like you, but right now I'm not ready to come out and tell you.
You probably already know but the words have not yet formed in my mouth to tell you.
Telling you is something I know I should do sometime soon, and I don't want to leave you guessing or assuming what you know to be true.
Since you do know me, very well I might add.
It's been three years now and it just continues to grow stronger everytime I think about it.
It's only growing stronger, the way I feel about you.
Is it the way you look into my eyes and give me your undivided attention?
Or the way you touch my hand to let me know you're listening..
Or how you know exactly what I mean when I look certain ways...
It's only growing stronger, the way I feel about you.
I have finally convinced myself that it's ok to like you, but right now I'm not ready to come out and tell you.
You probably already know but the words have not yet formed in my mouth to tell you.
Telling you is something I know I should do sometime soon, and I don't want to leave you guessing or assuming what you know to be true.
Since you do know me, very well I might add.
It's been three years now and it just continues to grow stronger everytime I think about it.
It's only growing stronger, the way I feel about you.
This deal with you......
What gets me is the fact that you've been gone for so long without any communication and once you finally find me again, it's only a short lived incompleted reunion. I wish I could say it was me, but unfortunately I can't. It was you over the past 10 years and it continues to be you now. I've gotten to the point to where I'm tired and frustrated with it and right now I don't think I would care that much if I didn't speak to you for another month, year, or even another 10 years. So yeah I'm done until you can convince me otherwise and there's not any amount of money to be given that could pay for the amount of time that has passed, but I need for you to at least try a lot harder.
Why??
Things are the way they are because I allow them to be.
Why do I allow people to treat me the way they do?
Why?....is the question that I continue to ask myself.
Why do I continue to allow people to walk over me and make me feel like the dirt they walk on?
Why is that no one is truly happy with me?
Why do I continue to find myself in isolation?
Why??
When I make the attempt to make friends with people I think are saved and in the church, I learn that they are just cruel as the people in the streets.
I'm tired of people lying and talking about each other and then acting like nothing was ever said or done when in the public eye.
I'm tired of people saying one thing but then turning around and doing the total opposite.
Why?.....is thee question I continue to ask myself over and over again.
And people wonder why I am so anti-social......
Why I prefer to be alone....
Well the main reason is because I have a private life that I live and I would rather it not be tainted by you.
Why do I allow people to treat me the way they do?
Why?....is the question that I continue to ask myself.
Why do I continue to allow people to walk over me and make me feel like the dirt they walk on?
Why is that no one is truly happy with me?
Why do I continue to find myself in isolation?
Why??
When I make the attempt to make friends with people I think are saved and in the church, I learn that they are just cruel as the people in the streets.
I'm tired of people lying and talking about each other and then acting like nothing was ever said or done when in the public eye.
I'm tired of people saying one thing but then turning around and doing the total opposite.
Why?.....is thee question I continue to ask myself over and over again.
And people wonder why I am so anti-social......
Why I prefer to be alone....
Well the main reason is because I have a private life that I live and I would rather it not be tainted by you.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
My Thoughts
I sit here contemplating my current situation.
Realizing I have to make the decision which direction I will choose.
Afraid that I will lose
If I make the wrong step.
That step that holds my life and death.
That step that could hold my last breath.
Sitting here empty handed, empty hearted, but with a mind overflowing.
It's dimming, aging, and dying,
But yet clinging on to the hope of life.
Battling with being a lowlife and stife
It struggles to stay afloat and amongst the land of the living.
My thoughts fight against me,
Bending and breaking,
Blocking and bridging.
Breaching and bruising,
Bleeding and blasting.
My mind quietly remembers and stores the feelings of abandonment.
Those thoughts that run through my mind daily and deeply.
Overtaking the good memory of the past
Forgetting that they were ever broastcast.
They were just surpassed because they were never on a newscast.
I try to take control
Being on my post and patrol.
But then my mind seems to drift away.
That only brings me back to the crossway.
The place I must make the decision
If I will be broken or continue to carry this burden.
Realizing I have to make the decision which direction I will choose.
Afraid that I will lose
If I make the wrong step.
That step that holds my life and death.
That step that could hold my last breath.
Sitting here empty handed, empty hearted, but with a mind overflowing.
It's dimming, aging, and dying,
But yet clinging on to the hope of life.
Battling with being a lowlife and stife
It struggles to stay afloat and amongst the land of the living.
My thoughts fight against me,
Bending and breaking,
Blocking and bridging.
Breaching and bruising,
Bleeding and blasting.
My mind quietly remembers and stores the feelings of abandonment.
Those thoughts that run through my mind daily and deeply.
Overtaking the good memory of the past
Forgetting that they were ever broastcast.
They were just surpassed because they were never on a newscast.
I try to take control
Being on my post and patrol.
But then my mind seems to drift away.
That only brings me back to the crossway.
The place I must make the decision
If I will be broken or continue to carry this burden.
Monday, April 13, 2009
YOU.......
I often wonder why I listen to you,
Why I give you my undivided attention??
From the moment I first saw you walk through the door, you immediately caught my eye and diverted my attention towards you.
When we speak face to face, I never take my eyes off you, afraid that I will miss that beautiful smile of yours.
I cannot believe I'm even writing this, but my mind is forcing my fingers to type the words that you're reading.
I do not know if I could profess my love for you, afraid that it would ruin something we already have.
This little experience I'm having is so overwhelming.
Was it a coincidence that that situation and the one before did not work out?
Are everyone's thoughts correct??
Am I just being naive and in denial????
These are questions I would like to know the answer to, but I'm afraid to hear the answer I already know.
Why I give you my undivided attention??
From the moment I first saw you walk through the door, you immediately caught my eye and diverted my attention towards you.
When we speak face to face, I never take my eyes off you, afraid that I will miss that beautiful smile of yours.
I cannot believe I'm even writing this, but my mind is forcing my fingers to type the words that you're reading.
I do not know if I could profess my love for you, afraid that it would ruin something we already have.
This little experience I'm having is so overwhelming.
Was it a coincidence that that situation and the one before did not work out?
Are everyone's thoughts correct??
Am I just being naive and in denial????
These are questions I would like to know the answer to, but I'm afraid to hear the answer I already know.
Dealing with it.......
There have been so many years that you have been gone.
And now you have returned and you have entered back into my life.
Yet somehow we have just picked up were we left off.
My heart was broken when you walked away, but I never forgot you.
I was lost like a ship without a sail.
Never allowing no one to come too close, because I was afraid that if I let my guard down, that they would walk away from me.
I've always had a wall guarding my heart, because it's been broken, shattered, and torn to pieces.
It's taken many years for it to heal, so I refuse to give it chance to be hurt again.
I know what it is like to be in a whirl wind, fighting off the weeds of life.
And I wondered as I was fading away, how I could get back to my dreams and away from reality.
I had trained my mind to go to a place were no one could hurt me and I was all alone.
So now in my reality, it consists of me and only me.
There I had to grow stronger, wiser, not weaker, and less incisive mentally.
I had to give myself enough time to deal with my past.
To deal with my mental unbalance, my constant state of gloom, for I wrestled with the state of success.
In the frame of mind I was in, feelings of pleasure and delight were not in my view.
The poisons of life were upon me, so sharp and firm, but I took each day and each step as it came.
Slowly, I preceeded to grow with a desire for the minutes of the world, a desire for success, a desire for the wonderful changes of life.
And now you have returned and you have entered back into my life.
Yet somehow we have just picked up were we left off.
My heart was broken when you walked away, but I never forgot you.
I was lost like a ship without a sail.
Never allowing no one to come too close, because I was afraid that if I let my guard down, that they would walk away from me.
I've always had a wall guarding my heart, because it's been broken, shattered, and torn to pieces.
It's taken many years for it to heal, so I refuse to give it chance to be hurt again.
I know what it is like to be in a whirl wind, fighting off the weeds of life.
And I wondered as I was fading away, how I could get back to my dreams and away from reality.
I had trained my mind to go to a place were no one could hurt me and I was all alone.
So now in my reality, it consists of me and only me.
There I had to grow stronger, wiser, not weaker, and less incisive mentally.
I had to give myself enough time to deal with my past.
To deal with my mental unbalance, my constant state of gloom, for I wrestled with the state of success.
In the frame of mind I was in, feelings of pleasure and delight were not in my view.
The poisons of life were upon me, so sharp and firm, but I took each day and each step as it came.
Slowly, I preceeded to grow with a desire for the minutes of the world, a desire for success, a desire for the wonderful changes of life.
Friday, April 3, 2009
I do not understand why I do not listen to you.
You have been right countless times.
Only having my best interests at heart.
In my gut I knew I should have listened but I just had to experience it for myself.
Things are hard now.
Not the way the should be, like as if I was talking to you.
Easy conversation, no fuss and fight about having your undivided attention, just you.
Have I made a mistake.......
I do not know.
I wanted your approval, which you did not give.
It hurt me but I thought I could live without it, but now I am just so confused.
I thought this was what I wanted, but now that I have it, everything is just not falling into place.
Things just are not natural, but rather forced.
I was once on cloud 9, but I too soon came crashing back down to earth because reality was beginning to hit me.
What do I do now?
Please help me, this time I will try to listen.
You have been right countless times.
Only having my best interests at heart.
In my gut I knew I should have listened but I just had to experience it for myself.
Things are hard now.
Not the way the should be, like as if I was talking to you.
Easy conversation, no fuss and fight about having your undivided attention, just you.
Have I made a mistake.......
I do not know.
I wanted your approval, which you did not give.
It hurt me but I thought I could live without it, but now I am just so confused.
I thought this was what I wanted, but now that I have it, everything is just not falling into place.
Things just are not natural, but rather forced.
I was once on cloud 9, but I too soon came crashing back down to earth because reality was beginning to hit me.
What do I do now?
Please help me, this time I will try to listen.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Last
As she saw herself laying there so still, so cold.
She looked out and saw the people's tears, hurts, and pains.
She could look into her mother's face and see she was on the edge of a breakdown.
For she had lost her baby girl.
She wished she could have given her mother one last hug before her shell was to be put six feet under the ground.
But as stood over her own body, she at least was happy to know they respected her last wishes and made sure her lipgloss was popping.
She looked out into the audience just to see who had all come to celebrate her homegoing.
She saw this beautiful wise woman, her grandmother.
She did not have a single tear in her eye because she knew her granddaughter had lived a good life.
A life full of laughter and joy.
She also saw this man who resembled her father.
A man who never got the chance to know her.
Who only saw her on the surface.
A man who never knew just how much he had an impact on her life.
A man who was the last person on her mind, before the last beat of her heart.
Praying that he would get himself together so that she could see him again.
She looked out and saw the people's tears, hurts, and pains.
She could look into her mother's face and see she was on the edge of a breakdown.
For she had lost her baby girl.
She wished she could have given her mother one last hug before her shell was to be put six feet under the ground.
But as stood over her own body, she at least was happy to know they respected her last wishes and made sure her lipgloss was popping.
She looked out into the audience just to see who had all come to celebrate her homegoing.
She saw this beautiful wise woman, her grandmother.
She did not have a single tear in her eye because she knew her granddaughter had lived a good life.
A life full of laughter and joy.
She also saw this man who resembled her father.
A man who never got the chance to know her.
Who only saw her on the surface.
A man who never knew just how much he had an impact on her life.
A man who was the last person on her mind, before the last beat of her heart.
Praying that he would get himself together so that she could see him again.
The Day
I returned to the place as a young child to the day he left.
The day he walked out of my life in handcuffs.
The day I thought I could have drowned in my own tears.
The day I began to shut down.
To shut down, in my heart and my mind.
The day I learned to begin guarding my heart from those you love and even those who are supposed to love you.
The day I learned that I could not stand naked before someone, holding my heart in my hands.
The day I learned what it meant to be abandoned.
The day that the seed was planted of hurt, loneliness, and suffering.
The day the seed of bitterness was planted in my heart of the person who left me behind.
The day reality became unbearable.
The day he walked out of my life in handcuffs.
The day I thought I could have drowned in my own tears.
The day I began to shut down.
To shut down, in my heart and my mind.
The day I learned to begin guarding my heart from those you love and even those who are supposed to love you.
The day I learned that I could not stand naked before someone, holding my heart in my hands.
The day I learned what it meant to be abandoned.
The day that the seed was planted of hurt, loneliness, and suffering.
The day the seed of bitterness was planted in my heart of the person who left me behind.
The day reality became unbearable.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
A Prisoner
I was just released from prison
Being the worst inmate
Being despondent, not allowing people too close.
Many tried to reach out and touch me,
But I didn't allow the thought that someone could truly love me, to possess my mind.
Behind the bars, my health began to fail.
Although I preferred to be set free, I was a woman who stood alone.
The longer I stayed a prisoner, the more I became mentally unbalanced.
The more mentally unbalanced I became, the more I failed to perceive my relationships with those around me.
In this prison, I was dead socially and was dying mentally and emotionally.
I was my own prisoner, but now I have been set free.
Gate
You ask why do I look at you so blankly and without meaning.
I am waiting for you to change before my eyes.
To show me passion and offer a sensual union with you.
To open the gate that separates us.
To open your heart, the heart that beats inside your chest.
To open your heart so that I can drown in the sea of love.
A sea that I have only seen from afar.
You have your armour on protecting you from what I am willing to give you, which is my unconditional love.
You continue to pull me to a place of delibrate neglect.
While I felt obligated to you, you had forgotten and dicarded me.
While I wanted to have intimate discussions, you remained on the surface.
The surface that said what you see is what you get.
But I know there is so much more than what meets the eye.
All you have to do is open your heart and let me in.
And then you can throw away the key behind me, because I will make my home there.
I interpreted by your lack of socialism that you exist only on the outward, handicapping your emotions.
But I don't mind assisting you, only if you allow me to.
But it was no accident that we met, because you awakened my sensuality and brought back the light in my eyes.
A light that had been burned out by lies, deceit, insecurity, and unreliabilty.
Can you keep the flame burning or will it yet again burn to the wick with you.
The decision lies in your hands.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Forgive Me
Forgive me if I didn't speak,
but I guess I have nothing more to say.
Forgive me if I overlooked you,
I guess you just failed to catch my eye.
Forgive me if I'd rather not be with you anymore,
I guess things are just more peaceful that way.
Forgive me I care to not listen to you anymore,
I guess it's that nonsense coming out of your Mouth that is causing me to go deaf.
Forgive me if I don't want to touch you,
I guess because you make my skin crawl and feel as if it's on fire.
Forgive me if I no longer want to walk with you,
I guess I'd rather walk alone.
Forgive me if I don't want to go anywhere with you,
I think I'd rather be locked in a dungeon.
Forgive me
Forgive me.
..........
But even you don't........
it really doesn't matter!!
BOOM in YOUR FACE!!!!!!!!
Off The Shelf
I just opened up my eyes and realized
I no longer have an interest
in what seemed to be the coolest
things, because they turn out to be the worst.
But yet I continue to be emersed
in the outburst
of life itself.
Taking a book of the shelf
I sit down to read,
as I scan the book on high-speed
I see the words on the page
Looking back at me as if I'm in the space-age.
But I don't comprend
and I won't try to pretend
why you think everything has to go your way
but since I'm not complying, I got to hit the highway.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A Flower
She remained untouched because she kept herself hidden.
Hidden behind her smile, her laughter, her family and her friends.
You do not always notice her because she likes to stay to herself, alone, and secluded.
She blossomed in her seclusion into a beautiful flower.
Although nature around her seemed to be only weeds.
She became a flower untouched by unclean hands.
A flower seen by many different eyes, making her acquaintance known of her a condition of inanimate desire.
A look of burning fire blooming out this flower, awaiting someone to possess her gift.
Overcoming....
As I look inside myself,
I see someone who is ever changing.
Morphing from a child, to a teenager, to a woman.
Through all that has attempted to kill me, I yet continue to live.
You tried to stab me in the side, but yet I healed and overcame those adversities.
You came to interrupt my solitude, but yet I was just amused by your failed gestures.
You devoted your time to destroying my name, but yet I prevailed.
You liked to sit and gaze at me plotting such cruel behaviors planned against me; planning my demise, but yet I continue to stand.
You criticized and freely discussed my downfalls and mistakes, but yet I continue to learn from them as one should.
There was nothing that could pin your restraint, but I refuse to fight that battle with you.
I refuse to run and hide under a rock, giving you the upper hand.
I continue to be a woman who embodies beauty, grace, and charm.
I am generous in my content, elegant in my walk, delicious in my role, eager in my comfort ability, guarded in my slumber, fair on the surface, and satisfied in my heart.
I see someone who is ever changing.
Morphing from a child, to a teenager, to a woman.
Through all that has attempted to kill me, I yet continue to live.
You tried to stab me in the side, but yet I healed and overcame those adversities.
You came to interrupt my solitude, but yet I was just amused by your failed gestures.
You devoted your time to destroying my name, but yet I prevailed.
You liked to sit and gaze at me plotting such cruel behaviors planned against me; planning my demise, but yet I continue to stand.
You criticized and freely discussed my downfalls and mistakes, but yet I continue to learn from them as one should.
There was nothing that could pin your restraint, but I refuse to fight that battle with you.
I refuse to run and hide under a rock, giving you the upper hand.
I continue to be a woman who embodies beauty, grace, and charm.
I am generous in my content, elegant in my walk, delicious in my role, eager in my comfort ability, guarded in my slumber, fair on the surface, and satisfied in my heart.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
My Progression
If you see me sitting or walking alone,
do not feel sorry for me,
because God is just preparing me for my journey.
A journey so few will accompany me on.
I may be alone to your natural eyes,
but God's Grace and Mercy never me alone.
Many have entered into my life,
but many also have been left behind.
God is taking His time with me,
preparing my mind and heart for what is to come.
He is putting me a place where I have no else to listen to but Him,
and so I have learned to just surrender and if that means
putting on hold everyone around me,
so be it.
You thought I would always be there for you to pour your heart out to,
but all I could do is listen.
I could never offer any assistance to you and even if I did,
you would not have listened anyways.
You chose to take a different route, and so I had to go.
I had to go because while I was trying to
walk a straight path you would run off the road dipping and dopping,
while attempting to drag me with you.
Well those days are over now,
I am so free.
I do not feel a need to always be in the crowd
because I need to hear my own thoughts and not someone else's.
When you become negative I must go because I refuse to allow someone to sow seeds of confusion and discourse in my presence.
I am happy in my heart and I believe that is all that matters.
You may not like or even approve of the way I am,
but I am not living this life for you.
I have had to experience life's ups and downs as the next person but the difference is, God has given me peace in the midst of a storm.
Puzzle
Allow me to put together your jigsaw puzzle.
The many pieces of you that once put together will spring forth this wonderful, intricate and delicate creation.
I will put in the time to twist and turn every piece to find where it fits.
I will be patient, even when I am ready to throw in the towel.
Every little piece is important in seeing the complete work of art that is YOU.
So please lend me every piece of you and when I complete your puzzle, I will cherish it forever.
And if it ever breaks apart again, I will pick up the pieces and put them together again but this time I will ensure them with glue.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The Movies
Whoever said movies are only fairytales and they cannot become real life, was not fully telling the truth. I had to experience for many years why my movie was not playing out right and it just hit me, at the beginnning of the new year. It was that I had the wrong actor co-starring alongside of me. Because of the movie, I was going on looks and so I was forcing something that was not meant to be.
I always wondered why it was not easy for our friendship and for us to get close. I now understand why. I do not regret the time I spent trying to get to know him from the inside out, but with the true person it was just natural. It is unexplainable and mind boggling to think it could have gone this direction.
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