Emotional Rollercoaster

Sometimes we pour our hearts to the people we think we love, but when that person doesn't reciprocate those same feelings we get hurt. We began to shut down and we stop allowing people into our hearts. We stop allowing people into our comfort zones, because once that happens feelings get involved. And once feelings are involved, life immediately turns into an emotional rollercoaster. A rollercoaster that has its highs and lows and when we hit rock bottom, we want to get off and stay off. Once the rollercoaster is done we vow that we will never put ourselves through that again, but of course we just keep getting back on for more. We know that it makes us have terrible butterflies, makes us sick to our stomach, and makes us want to cry, but we just can't seem to get off and stay off. But what is it about this emotional rollercoaster that draws us? It's the way we feel at its peak. When all we can do is smile from ear to ear and think about how that feeling will always beat the feeling when we are on the floor balling our eyes out. We remember the glow we have while we are riding this emotional rollercoaster.

So the real question is:
Am I ready to move on with life?
- with someone else
- with another purpose
- in another direction
- with a partial heart that beats for another
- with a mind that is constantly on someone else
- with a mind filled with memories of the time when there was an "us"
- with eyes that only lit up for him
- with a stomach that gets butterflies when he walks in the room

Am I ready??

It doesn't seem like it and I feel like as long as I continue to think this way, I will never move on from this.
So many people have come into my life to change the precedents laid but because they are semented to my heart they are unmoveable.

Ms. Wright

So I'm over here thinking right...

And I'm just so amazed at how other people think and perceive me. All they see is this translucent mask I have protecting my inner surface, helping me to conceal my true identity. I try to have a sweet disposition about things but I don't want anyone to take my kindness out of proportion.
When we experience things we learn from them and sometimes they change us or even break us. Sometimes for better or sometimes for worse. I have been transformed from the inside out, which alters my train of thought and the decisions I make. Sometimes the modifications that we make of ourselves, people in our past may choose not to accept. They can only see what they used to know. But when we undertake a new identity, we put off those old ways, assume responsibilty, and shift into completing our purpose in life.

Sincerely,
Ms. Wright

A Change

Don't you get tired of experiencing the same thing all the time. I have definitely gotten to that point. I'm tired of writing about it over and over again and nothing seems to be changing but me. There is this continuous cycle that I seem to put myself in. The cycle of feeling all fussing inside, then to being upset, then hurt, then something is said to take that hurt away momentarily, and then I back to feeling all the "like" inside. But the hurt never really goes away, there is just a cover thrown over it to make me think it's gone, but in reality I know the truth.

When will things change??
I believe a change will be good in this instant.
A change that someone will be constant in my life and not in and out whenever he thinks he wants to.
A change that he will work just as hard as me, if not harder to ensure our happiness.
A change that I can be guaranteed an honest and open relationship that we can discuss anything and everything.
A change that both have the opportunity to learn from each other.

A change.....a change

Will it ever come???


Willing to wait,
Ms. Wright

My "Friends"

The time has come to say goodbye to two lovely ladies.
To say goodbye to my "friends".
Friends that have grown with me through the years.
Friends that were apart of me as I was apart of them.
Friends that without, I will no longer be apart of the general board of the committee, maybe not even a member.
They started so small and look at how big they have gotten.

Unfortunately they have not been on their best behavior.
They have caused me so much pain, aches, stress, and discomfort.
But I can say I had fun with these two.
They helped fill out many dresses and shirts.
They loved to jump out and say hello whenever they were allowed.
They loved to be free and not constrained.
They received all the attention when we were out, but they never let anyone get too close.
They served as many people's cushions to lay their heads to rest.
I will miss these two ladies along with others, because they were my friends.
Friends that were apart of me as I was apart of them.


With Love I have LOVED them,
Ms. Wright

My Prayer

Lord I need you.

You ask what am I in need of?

Someone that is in love with God.
Someone that is saved, sanctified, holyghost filled, and fire baptized.
Someone who will go to church with me and drag me to the altar when he knows I'm going through.
Someone who will dance/shout with me when there is no music playing in the background.
Someone who has God on speed dial and can reach Him in the whee hours of the morning.
Someone who will lay on their face with me as I pray and get my deliverance.
Someone who can pray for me when I can't pray for myself.
Someone who can teach me the word and help me have a clear understanding of it.

Someone who can inspire me when I need some encouragement.
Someone that will love me unconditionally.
Someone who can make me laugh when I am so upset and feel like crying.
Someone who will be there when I need and want him.
Someone who will adore me even when I'm in one of my moods.
Someone who can and will respect the fact that sometimes I need some space and some "me" time.
Someone that will understand that it was just me and God before he came along and I am still learning to incorporate him in my life.

Someone who won't mind me putting my feet all over him and can appreciate my toes and their longness.
Someone who pushes me outside of my comfort zone but still makes me feel comfortable.
Someone who can read me when I don't say a word.
Someone who can sing the high notes of my song "Great is Thy Faithfulness".
Someone that even though he knows I have a million tubes of lipgloss, just one more every so often can't hurt.
Someone that I can have a wonderful conversation with just by looking into his eyes.
Someone that when I feel like acting like a baby he will treat me like one and let me have my way.


Lord you know there is much more but I think I will stop at this for now....


In JESUS NAME, Amen

That Situation

I learned from that particular situation. I was hurt and I gave my heart to someone who at the time wasn't ready to take care of it. I learned after that situation had been put on a unknown amount of pause, not to put my all into situations with people because in the end you will get hurt. This may not be true, but I only know what I've experienced. I can say that yes I may have been a little selfish at times, but for the most part I made sure you were happy. Whatever was needed to be done I did it just because I loved you that much. I thought that I should help you in your endeavors to move on from your past, so I thought to do that I should get out of the picture as well, because I didn't want to be a distraction for you.
You said you don't want to give up on trying to make this work, but I don't see you making any progress or even making any steps to make things right.

Why is it that when it's time to have a serious talk about our situation you just defer my advances and act as if nothing even happened to put a bridge between us. If we just continue to ignore it, it will never be resolved and I will never be truly happy. So make up your mind because I will not always be here despite what you may think.

Me Just Letting it Out

So many people ask me why am I so quiet, but I'm really not that quiet, if you really know me. It is a known fact that no, I don't open up to many people and few will ever see my true essence. I have never felt a need to follow the crowd or make my presence known. If you never notice me, I will be just fine. My quietness has kept my name out of many people's mouths, so I'm not complaining.

I'm tired of people's dishonesty, disloyalty, instability and their drama.
I'm tired of people who think they can just tell me what they think I should know and not the whole truth.
I'm tired of people who think they really know me, but have absolutely no idea.
I'm tired of going through this continuous cycle with this one person who doesn't know what he wants, but when I try to talk about things, he doesn't want to talk.
I'm of having to be patient when I have waited long enough.

But with that said I am happy about some things too!

I love that in spite of people that cause me stress and get on my nerves, I can't seem to live without them too long.
I love that in spite of the fact some people make communicating hard for me, I still want to continue trying harder each day.
I love that no matter what I try to do to stop loving you, I CAN'T!
I love that people are so predictable.

She is Me

She walked with her head held down.
She wanted to be invisible to the world, but you saw her.
You saw in her the true essence of life.
You saw in her what she really was and what she was to become.
You helped her come to the realization that if anyone could do it, she could.
For you see, I am she and she is within me.


You didn't know what she was feeling.
You had no clue of what she was dealing with, because she hid it.
She hid it behind her smile.
She hid it behind her laughter, but if you would have only looked into her eyes, you would have known and seen what was really happening inside of her.
You didn't understand why she kept things hidden from you, but she felt it was necessary.
She knew you wouldn't be able to carry the burden, for you already had a heavy load.
So she gave it the Lord and decided to cast all her cares and worries on Him, for she was too weak to handle it on her own.
For you see, I am she and she is within me.

Let's Come to an Understanding

So you say you love me, but when I look around you are no where to be found.
You say you love me, but I haven't spoken to you in weeks.
It seems to me as though you say whatever you need to get by, but I will let you in on my little secret, I'm no ordinary girl and you will give me the respect I deserve.
I have been through alot but I refuse to just except what is thrown at me or anything less than the best.
When you say you love someone, you don't treat them like the dirt you walk on.
I understand the fact that you need and want attention but what about me, I need some too from you. I am not going to chase you because you think that what's you want. If I'm someone you think you want to be with, then you need to work a little harder. I'm not up for doing all the work and you reaping all the benefits.

What I Have Learned

Something happened to me just the other day. I woke up to the realization that I
was alone. I’ve known that for a while now but I guess it really just hit me. I
don’t have someone to wake up next to every morning smiling back at me. I don’t have
someone to snuggle up close to when it’s a little chilly outside.


I had gotten used to the fact that I just had friends. But sometimes I wonder why
I don’t necessarily have someone I can call my own. Is it because I am scared of
someone loving me and feeling vulnerable to being hurt? Is it that I am just being
too picky? Or is it just not time for me to be with anyone yet? There are so many
questions to be asked but I will continue to wait on the man God has created just
for me.

There is so much that goes on in your mind when you are all alone. You think
about what could have been and what could be if only you were in control. But
sometimes it’s not meant for us to always be in control. Sometimes we have to let go
and let God have His way.


I have learned that my will is not God’s will and I have to step aside and get
out of the way so that He can have dominion over my life. I have learned that I do
have someone to love me in spite of it all. He’s always there to comfort me and give
me a peace about things. He’s always there to give an understanding of my situation,
and he doesn’t judge me when I mess up and make the wrong decision.


I have learned that no one can love me like He can and at any moment in my life
that I need Him, He will be there, no matter what.

A Realization

You never really realize how much you love a person until they are gone out of your life.
You wish you had more time with them and you wish you had said you loved them more.
Sometimes it’s your fault they are no longer apart of your life and sometimes it’s just an act of nature that takes them away.
In any case you miss them and wish they were still there.
Still there to make you laugh, make you cry, give you advice, and get on your nerves.
There are never enough times you can say sorry to someone who has left on your account, and there aren’t enough tears you can shed to bring them back to you. Sometimes it’s just what we need to bring us to the point of independence.
What happens if you depend on someone to always make you laugh and they leave?
Will you never smile again?
No, you muster up the courage and energy and you learn to smile in spite of the situation.

A Jewel

You have become a stranger to me.
I lost that strong connection I thought I had with you.
I used to get butterflies and goose bumps at just the sight of you, but now nothing.
I used to think at one time I could call you mine, but now you have been taunted with.
You have been touched too many times.
I do not necessarily mean physically, but you have allowed too many to touch your mind and heart.
I thought it was special and something extraordinary, but I could not have been more wrong.
I am sorry for your lost.
Your lost of a jewel, of something that was rare, and something I doubt you will ever find again.
Again I am sorry.

About Me

I find myself desiring to be with you.
Every time I hear this distinct sound I hear you.
Every time I hear a specific song I can’t help but to think of you.
I’ve tried to forget your smile and how it feels to be in your embrace, but I just can’t.
It is embedded into my heart, mind, and skin.
Being in this place again is a bit hard for me because it holds so many memories of us and our beginning.
But I’m constantly reminded of our ending.
I wish things had gone better, but I just had to get out.
I had to get out for me.
And for once it wasn’t about you, but about me.

Just Thinking

You got me thinking will it ever be?
Will there ever be a chance for us in this lifetime
I’m tired of broken promises
I’m tired of getting mixed signals from you
If you say something I only have to believe you, hoping that you wouldn’t intentionally lie to me.
I’m sorry I can’t be there with you at all times but hopefully it’s not all or nothing with you.
I’ve done all I am willing to do, and now its time for you to do your job and also do what the word says.
I am lady and if you can’t or won’t treat me as such, then that’s your loss.

In Spite Of....

You may not have known what I was doing liking a guy like him.
Yes he had his problems, issues, and baggage, but yet I was willing to look past it, because who doesn’t have all of that.
I saw in him the person he really was, beyond all the hurt and pain people have caused him.
I saw a loving person and all he needed was someone to show him true love, not just true lust.
Someone to love him in spite of
In spite of the way he may look in the morning or how bad his breathe may smell.

Someone to see the beauty in his feet, in spite of the way he may feel about them.
Someone that’s there for the well being of his heart, mind, and spirit, and not all about his body
Someone to still see the beauty beyond maybe him needing a haircut and him wearing his sweats and a tee shirt.
Someone to see beyond what the eyes can actually see, but into him, to look through his eyes into his soul.

A NEW DIRECTION

I needed to know if he really loved me
If it was real and true
Or was it all lies and just something to do
I loved the fact that I thought I could make him smile when he wasn’t feeling good and the feeling I felt that I was being loyal and faithful to him.
But could I honestly say that about him?
I don’t know.
I don’t like the feeling of being insecure with what I’m feeling about a person.
That feeling of being unsure and confused
When someone is closed all up not allowing you to get into their mind, because their afraid of being hurt again

So I tried to make myself available.
I tried to show him with my actions, rather than just my words, that I was there, through it all I was there.
But when it was all said and done, I never stopped being there, he just closed the door on me.

He never really let me in anyways but me being the person I am, I found another route.
Just not the route I wanted to take.
On the journey, I found some things that I wasn’t looking for and it kind of sent me on a whole new path.
I had to learn that it wasn’t a rejection, it was just a new direction.
A new direction to bigger and better things, things that were good for my heart, mind, and spirit.
I had to learn that we aren’t really living for today, we are living for tomorrow and our future.
So the little things that were irritating me were just not worth it and I have to live for me and I must be happy with me and my daily decisions.

A LESSON LEARNED

It hurt me that you never tried to stop me.
That you just let me walk right out the door.
I was hurt from your reaction that you didn’t even try to fuss or fight.
It made me think all of it was just a lie.
Or were you saying what you thought I wanted to hear.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t playing the same game you were, I had put the cards down and didn’t want to play anymore I wanted the real thing.
I wanted to have a connection with you.
A connection no one or nothing could break.

But my expectations were too high.
I was reaching for the stars, but you still wanted to reach for what your hands could touch.
I wanted more.
I know I can be a little spoiled at times and want things to go my way, but I adapted.
I adapted to your ways.
I adapted to your time.
I adapted to your schedule.
And yes I knew I couldn’t have all the time, energy, and affection I wanted and needed, but I adapted.
I ADAPTED.

But unfortunately, you didn’t.
You didn’t meet me half way.
You kept doing the same old things you used to do and that’s when things became a problem.
I only have so much to give before I feel all used up.
If I’m giving and pouring into someone else and no one is pouring into me, what then will I have to survive on?
Nothing, I would be empty.

Sometimes we have to go through difficult things to learn our lesson, but if only someone could have told me this and spared me a heart break I would have learned it all the same.

I will never regret anything or any time spent because it was a lesson learned.

Season

I was all that I could have been
I did all I thought I could do
But it wasn’t enough for you
You wanted me, everything, and everyone else.
But unfortunately life doesn’t work that way.
I guess maybe one day you will wake up and realize what you had was just perfect for you.
Maybe one day you will realize that now you are settling for less than the best.
But you probably won’t realize that until it’s too late.
It will be too late for you to try to steal me away because I will have already been swept off my feet, by the man God intended for me to be with, not saying that it couldn’t have been you, but unfortunately that season has past.

Intimacy

How many have you permitted to step in and know that intimate side of you?
Can you count them on one hand or do you need all ten fingers and 10 toes?

Have you ever made someone a priority when all you were to them was an option?
When you put your everything into them. You poured your energy, time, love, strength, and you were patient enough to wait.

But what happens when you’re tired of being patient and you’re ready to throw in the towel. Do you ask God to renew your strength or know when its time to walk away?
I will never know what you never tell me because I’m not a mind reader. If you don’t share what is on your heart and mind, that is the only place it will remain and we will then have a lack of communication.

Some may call me hard to get, but I promise it is not a game. I am a challenge and I take pride in being that way. You may not like it but you will respect it. If it was easy, after you received what you thought you wanted and was looking for, you would then become uninterested because that was only an instant gratification. But if you haven’t come to learn I am in for the long run, even if it is just a friendship.

But a friendship is the foundation to the best relationship between any man and woman. So you can become my best friend and allow me to enter into your mind and heart revealing all of your most inner secrets and thoughts.

Afraid

I wrote you a letter today but I was afraid to send it you.
Afraid that you would reject me.
Afraid that you would laugh at the way I felt for you.

So I kept it.
I kept it hidden.
Hidden away from everyone, including myself.
I didn’t want to see it, afraid I would come to the realization it was all a lie.

That it was a lie the feelings I had for you.
And maybe I was just lonely and thought you would be good.
But I was wrong.
I was wrong about you.

I Wanted to Be Closer to Nature.

I wanted to be closer to nature.
So I slept outside today.
I wanted to hear the crickets make their melodious sounds.
To see the squirrels run up and down the trees.
I wanted to feel the breeze against my skin.

I wanted to be closer to nature.
I wanted to hear the birds sing.
And to watch the trees sway from the wind.
I wanted to be closer to nature.
So I slept outside today.

A LADY

A Lady

A lady is someone who carries herself with dignity, poise, and self-confidence.
When you see a lady she will not compromise her worth.
She is able to do what must be done with elegance and grace.
When she walks in the room, you stand to greet her in all due respect, which is something she demands as she walks through the door.

A Lady

You can’t seem to take your eyes off her, for she has a radiant beauty that captures all of your attention.
She knows all too well the affect she has on a man.
She knows what she has the ability to do, for she holds you in the palm of her hand.
But she uses her femininity for good and not evil purposes.
But don’t be fooled she still is a woman.
And as you know a woman can change at any moment.

A Lady

I Was Tired

I fell asleep early last night not because I was sleepy but because my mind was tired of thinking about you.
Thinking what in the world you could be doing when we’re not together.
Wondering if you think about me as much as I think about you.
I was tired.
I was tired of the way my heart would pound at just the mere thought of you.
I was tired of the emptiness I felt because you weren’t there.
I was tired.
I was tired of being neglected, abandoned, and discarded.
I was tired of feeling sick to my stomach because I was sick from love.
………………Or was it that I was sick of love???

This one is where I am at in the moment, because of all that is happening and not happening.

We need to do better....

The Unveiling Mask

I’m hiding behind it and with it, I feel safe and in control.
But it is when I take this mask off that I feel fear take over.
The fear that I can’t conquer all that stands in my way.
The fear that that won’t allow me to love in the manner of which I know I am capable of.

For you see I am afraid of what the future may hold for me.
I don’t want to put my heart out on the line just for it to be stepped on and hurt.
I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, but right now I’m not ready to take my chances.

I can give you a piece of my mind, but only if you promise not to corrupt it.
For it is just as precious as my heart.
It is open to new things, so pour knowledge, wisdom, and understanding into it, making me a better woman.

I'M FREE......

I’m free.

Free from slavery and free from “the man”. I’m not physically bond, shackled, or in distress. I’m free from the hands of the enemy. But am I completely free??? Sometimes I think not. My heart is so guarded and not free to love. But I guess that’s a good thing. Every man that I meet won’t be able to share that intimate space with me without a challenge. To find their way to my heart, they will have to first seek God, because that is where my heart will be.

Before You

You’ve changed the way I look at love.
I began looking at it through the eyes of someone inexperienced.
Someone who was ignorant on the subject.
Someone who was always afraid of allowing someone to love her unconditionally.
Before you I had seen many incidents where I thought love was involved and seen only the hardships and the battles, never really knowing what the end result of those would be because that’s where it always ended; in a lost of what people called “love”.

I used to didn’t want to be loved if I had to be left alone, crying myself to sleep every night.
I didn’t want to be loved if you showed your love to me by raising voice or your fist at me.
I didn’t want to be loved if I had to make up an excuse of why I had bruises on my face.
Before you, I didn’t want to be loved.

But when you came into my life you changed everything around.
You made me feel like a lady and if I was needed in your life.
You didn’t make me feel like I was just a tool that you could pull out whenever needed or wanted.
You made me feel like your Queen.

My "Dre"

I miss the way things used to be.
When we used to talk for hours, mostly about nothing.
When I could say I truly knew you.
You’ve changed so much and I don’t feel as if I had anything to do with that change.
As if you’ve distanced yourself away from me.

Once upon a time I loved you and everyone knew it.
It was the way my face lit up when you entered the room, and that hug you gave that sent chills up and down my spine.

You said we would always be friends, but at that time I didn’t just want to be your friend.
I wanted to be more.
I wanted to be your Sid cause you were my Dre.

I WONDERED

I watched as the cars drove by.
Wondering if they could see me.
Wondering if someone out there was thinking about me.
Praying for me.
Worrying about me.
Searching for me.

I wondered.

I watched as the cars drove by while I sat in that tree.
Afraid that was the only place I could be myself.
Afraid that if I ever came down no one could or would understand me.

I wondered.

You put me up in the tree for that was our thing.
You always made sure I felt safe.
You made sure I never got hurt.
You made sure you were always at the bottom to catch me.
You made sure you were always there.

And so I wondered

That tree was cut down, but thankfully the bond we had grown wasn’t cut down with it.
Instead it blossomed into an unconditional love.
And now I no longer have to wonder, for now I’m convinced that you will always be there.

Precious Little Angel

You allowed me to trust you.
You gave me false hope.
You made me feel you would never hurt me.
You said I was your precious little angel.

What has changed between us?
I know I have changed mentally and physically, but so what?
Yes my body has changed from your little girl to a woman.
My mind has changed from a child’s way of thinking to the woman I am.
But you said, I’d always be your angel and you wouldn’t let anything or anyone hurt me.
For I was your precious little angel.

Except you did.
You hurt me.
You tore me down when you should have built me up.
You destroyed the bond we had.
You changed the way you looked at your precious little angel.

I was then looked upon as someone you could pounce on when drunk.
Someone you could take advantage of.
Someone you once loved and cared for.
Someone who looked up to you as her hero.
Someone you once considered your precious little angel.

But now that I am a woman, you see what is before you, not the little girl inside of me.
The little girl that used to be your shadow.
The little girl that used to sit on your lap while we watched television.
The little girl that only wanted to be in your arms for the tears to stop.
The little girl you left the impression on that you could accomplish anything in the world.
The little girl that was once your precious little angel.

The Process

First you may feel a little rumble in your tummy.
And say mommy I don’t feel so good.
You feel this sudden urge to push, but yet you know it’s not quite ready.
It also might be because you are questioning whether you’ll make it there in time.
Most of time for those who are pros, get there just in time to let it roll right out.


Sometimes you like to read, text, or sing to do whatever makes that time go by swiftly.
I like to just to sit there because I know it won’t be long.
And if it feels like it wants to be stubborn, a good jog around the house will help guide it to its appropriate destination.

And secretly, for those who care to admit, are curious about what it looks like.
When finished, we get up and inspect, making sure everything is alright.
And we just want to see the beautiful, smelly little treasures that lie beneathe us.
We sometimes wished we could have mom’s assistance like when we were babies to do the cleaning, because obviously some men out there do a terrible job of it.
The proof is there in plain site, unfortunately not just on the cleaning supplies.
It could be brown, green, orange, yellow, or whatever color it decides to be at that particular time of the day.
For as you know some do the process more than others.

But at the end, some may have routines they practice for the sake of those around them.
Whether it’s to light incense, a candle, spray or whatever.
As long as you do something.

But of course we all know yours smell like roses.


This is dedicated to Monique,
she inspired me to write this piece of literature.

thanks

Everyone Else

You get butterflies.
You feel this tugging at your heart.
The tears began to swell in your eyes, but yet you try your hardest to fight to keep them back.
All you want to do is scream at the top of lungs.

But you can’t.
You don’t want any one to see your tears.
To see your pain.
To see your hurt.
To see how wounded you are.
To see your damaged heart.
To see straight through this wall you have built into your heart.
Into the very essence of your being.

It would let everyone see there’s more to you than what they can see and feel.
That there is a really nice person inside of you.
You get tired of always having to make sure your outer shell is hard as a rock.
You’re afraid if someone knew there really was a softer side to you, it would destroy all you have worked for.
That you would lose the respect you so rightfully earned.

But you’re holding on to so much.
This burden you’re carrying is causing stress and trauma to your life.
Unfortunately, you can’t release it, because you care about what everyone has to say.
When you learn to care more about you, everything and everyone else will follow the precedent laid out before them.

Open Up Your Eyes and See What’s in Front of You.

You would think you wouldn’t want the same thing that happened to one to happen to them all.
You pushed one away with your ways.
With your ignorance, your deceitfulness, your unreliability…..

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

Why would you continue to act in this manner?
Acting as if you could care less about what happens in your future.
Your future lies in the palms of their hands, but yet you still try to destroy their minds and spirits by the example you are leading.
It was learned a long time ago not to follow your lead because if one did it would only lead to a lonely abyss, full of anger and frustration.

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

When you think they have fallen to their lowest level they will rise up. But instead of destroying you as you tried to do to them, they will continue on, leaving you wallowing in their success and in your failure.

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

The world you live in is so full of resentment and bitterness, but when they tried to reach out to you to bring you out of hole you have dug for yourself, you pushed them away.
With your attitude.
That attitude that I can do this all by myself.
Well if you haven’t learned by now, which you obviously haven’t; you can’t do it alone.
But unfortunately the road you’ve been trucking on for some time now is leading you straight there.
To being alone.

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

Do you ever wonder as to why you’re in the dark on so many things?
One by one, they learned what could be shared and what could not.
You lied, cheated, and took advantage of them just because you thought you could.
But now the times have changed.
You’ve pushed them away and if you don’t change your ways it will be too late to bring them back.

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

Darkness

What do you do when you wake up in darkness?
Not in the sense that it’s night time and you don’t have any lights on, but in the essence that the light and fire inside of you has burned out.
When you feel you have lost all hope?
How do you rekindle that flame?

So many times we give of ourselves and get nothing in return to replenish us.
We give our time, money, love, advice…..
So many things we give out that must be reciprocated to survive.
How can we survive if we don’t have love?
When you know someone is in your corner, you feel unstoppable and that you can conquer anything.
When you can draw strength from them, when needed.

What happens when you wake up in darkness?
You search all over, far and wide for the answer.
The answer to your question of WHY???
Some may ask why this?
Others may ask why me?
And many may ask why now?
But whatever your question, you must find the answer to it to get out of darkness to come into the light.

A Look Inside of Me

If you could peek inside of me what would you see?

Would you see a little girl hidden behind her fears of rejection?
Hidden behind a smile she refuses to wipe from her face?
Hidden behind her false sense of confidence?
What would you see?

Would you see this wall she has put up so that you couldn’t get too close?
A wall that blocks anyone from touching her heart.
That wall is all she has that has kept her from getting hurt like she’s seen with so many others.
With that wall gone she is left feeling vulnerable and insecure.
With that wall gone, her heart is free and capable of being hurt.

Well that wall came down and now she’s feeling the repercussions of it.
She’s losing her stability and without that reassurance that everything will work out she has no where to look, no where to turn.
And so she begins to go down.

Mentally, physically, and emotionally

Flowing Out of Me

There is so much flowing out of me right now.
Is it because I’m hurt and in pain?
Maybe, but who’s to say I couldn’t be inspired when everything is going as planned?

When I am as happy as I could be?
It’s not to say that I don’t get inspired then, but that it could be a bit more heartfelt when life as once knew it is crumbling before my eyes, and maybe because of my hardship I could inspire someone else.
I haven’t experienced much, because those around me have gone through the tests and trials of life and have shared their lessons learned with me.
I’m trying to empty out all of the things that are keeping me in this same place.
I need to be released from all of this so I can keep moving on to being a better me.
I realized a long time ago that if I wasn’t happy with me then no one else would be either.
And how could you expect for anyone else to love you when you don’t love and respect yourself.
I had to learn to love myself in spite of everything and everyone.
No matter what anyone else had to say, I had to love me.
Once I exempted that love for myself, those around me saw that in me and admired that quality.
I keep telling myself, this is only a test, it will be over shortly.
And as long as I continue to remind myself of that daily, I know I will get through it.
Sometimes we feel as though when we’re going through hard things, we are experiencing it alone ,but I’m sure there are plenty of people dealing with our same issues.
We just have to keep each other lifted up and together we will make it.

A Part of Me

I don’t know why I continue putting myself through strenuous situations.
I feel like at any moment my heart could just give in, crash, and burn.
I’ve never experienced the ups and downs of love, where you are at the point when you have to make important decisions.
When you have to make the decision if this is what you want or not.
If you are willingly to make sacrifices for the one you love.
I wish someone would have told me love would feel this way and that I would experience this, because I can definitely say I walked into this blind sited.
I heard about this happening but I never believed it was true.
I saw in movies but I thought that maybe, just maybe they had fabricated the truth. Unfortunately it was true.
But to tell you the truth, this whole love thing really is an emotional rollercoaster.

Well at least I can say, there has never been a dull moment.

The 1st Real Love of My Life

It started at a young age, that bond that a brother and sister have for one another.
That sense that no one could do me like he could.
He was there when no one else was.
He stepped in the role of a father to me although he was only three years older.
He taught me how a lady was supposed to be treated.
And that if a man really wanted you, he could wait.
He was the only one that opened up to me about his personal business, which enabled me to reveal to him my most inner and deepest secrets, I’d thought I’d never tell a soul.
He is the only one I can truly say I trust completely.
He has never let me down like so many have in my past.
I know he would never do anything to hurt me for he is always lifting me up and keeping me encouraged.
He was the 1st man that truly made me feel like I was so special and that he would do absolutely anything for me.
For many girls it’s their fathers that have that special place in their hearts but for me, it’s my brother.

It Wasn' t My Time

At the moment things have been a challenge for me.
I’m not eating, not sleeping well, and all I want to do is just lay in my bed under the covers and cry.
I never knew what really loving someone was like, but I’m quickly learning.
The butterflies I get in my stomach are so intense and I sometimes just can’t take it.
It’s like as if everything around me is falling apart.
My life as I once knew it is no longer there and I have now taken on someone else’s identity.
The identity of a girl I once used to make fun of because I didn’t understand her and her issues.
I thought I was too good to experience what she was experiencing; it just wasn’t my time yet. It wasn’t my time to experience all the joys and pains that come with love and being in love.
It wasn’t my time to feel vulnerable and to put my heart in someone’s hand.
It wasn’t my time for me to sacrifice everything about myself for someone else.
It wasn’t my time.