If God took you Away

God knows my heart, and he knows that if He took away a piece of it, how hard it would be to go on. I would have to question His motives of allowing me to meet someone, love them, and then take them away from me.

God has a way of doing things that we don't understand.
He gives us people and things just as loans, that one day must be given back to Him. Sometimes we become attached to things and forget that they are not ours for the keeping.

God knows the reasons he placed certain things and people in our lives and when their purpose has been completed, it is time to let them go.

So I guess God had to take you away in the way that He did, because your purpose was complete. No, you are no angel, but you taught me what I needed to know when I needed to know it. You were there, when I needed you, and now your time has come to an end.

Recent thoughts on my life

I think I understand why some things are working out the way they are. I often used to ponder the thought of why I was still single and not with the person my heart longed to be with.

For a while I couldn't write how I felt because all of the thoughts in my mind were all scrambled and confusing. So I waited. I waited until the storm had passed and the confusion was gone. I've learned to just live day by day, and my days seem to just follow in pursuit of the other, with the same route, same conversations, same emotions. But I want some excitement, something that will challenge me outside of my school work.

I once met a person, that I loved immediately, but I could tell something was keeping us away from each other and it wasn't something that either of us were doing, it seemed to be of a higher power. I never understood what it meant to pray for someone who didn't treat you the way you thought you should, until I met them. I prayed that God would heal them: emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Have you ever met someone who you knew weren't reaching their full potential because they had released a hurt? It was that type of situation. My heart ached for them when they were in pain and I cried for them when they were sad, and I rejoiced with them when they were happy.

When you meet someone that you instantly have a connection with, how do you keep that fire burning?

I tried so hard to, on my own, but as you know, it takes two.

I heard something not too long ago that stuck with me, and it was that if you don't already have something then it may not be for you to have or that God hasn't prepared you for it yet. And I'm thinking, it was only a friendship that was meant to help me in my time of seclusion.

I'm also learning that sometimes it's best to just let some things go and walk away from the situation, and God will bless you with something much greater than before. God knows what He has in store for us, and so we must trust Him and know He wants the best for us.

It's Over

I tried, but I'm tired.
I'm tired of going back and forth and no progression is taking place.
You don't appreciate me, you make me feel like I am beneath you.
I try to reach out to you and learn everything I can about you so that you're happy, but you obviously can't see my efforts.
Why would I continue to waste my time on someone who doesn't respect me, love me, or geniunely care about me?
I thought things would get better, but no, they have gotten intensely worse.
And now it's over.

Just Like the Others

It's funny how one day you can feel a certain way about a person and then the next feel the complete opposite. I thought I had a true friend in you, you let me down just like the others. I'm not surprised because in the back of my mind I always knew. You had your motives just like the others. As long as you were getting what you wanted out of the friendship, you were happy, but as soon as something went wrong on my part, you were ready to call it quits, just like the others.

And you piss me off so much, I can't believe I actually thought you would be different. I made myself available to you and I shared things with you I never told anyone, but then you turn around and just used me for your own benefits.

I thought you weren't like the others, but I obviously was wrong.

Going through the motions....

It's been a long time since I have written a new entry and so much has happened since since then. I am now a single woman, doing what I think I want to do.

I'm trying so hard to make up my mind about a certain issue. Do I or do I not? What is it that I really want? What am I afraid of? Full time, part time, or nothing at all??? Never speak, acquaintance, friendship, or more?? Keep playing the games or get real with myself and everyone else? Although I've been upfront from... day one, these internal feelings are coming to the surface........ Questions only I must answer.

My past feelings are returning to me; those feelings that should not be there. Those emotions that I thought I had completely repressed are resurfacing, but I'm not ready to deal with them right now. What is it that I am to do? When all you do is just go through the motions...

Only perfect on the surface

The days have past and now I am single again. I made the choice to do what I wanted to do. I wasn't going to regret the choice that I made, as long as no one got seriously hurt. But unfortunately, I can't say that no one did. I ended up hurting myself in the end. The choice I made was out of hurt and now I can't go back and turn back the hands of time. I gave something to somone who had no clue of its value and now it's lost forver. You can't give your most valued treasure to a stranger because they won't know how to appreciate it.

I opened my heart to let a stranger in, who was full of lies wrapped in a plate of truth. Everything that came out of his mouth, could be compared to chicken not fully cooked, it looks so good and done until you bite in it and blood starts dripping out from the side of your mouth. He appeared to be perfect on the surface, but on the inside, he was full of deceit.

Thoughts Running in My Mind at the moment.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed.

I give you a chance, to show me you are worth my time, and you let me down.
You weren't there when I needed you and I don't feel like I can trust you.

You are a complete stranger to me and I think you always will be.

I'm not really in one of those laughing or smiling moods. I don't feel like there's anything to smile about.

I feel like you lie to me every time we talk and I think that's the reason I don't allow myself to feel anything for you.


You know when you meet someone and realize after you have invested time into them, that they weren't worth the time you spent?
Yeah well that's pretty much how I feel at the present moment.

My life has completely changed since I met you,and I can't say for the better unfortunately.

To be in a relationship or even a friendship for that matter, there has to be open and honest communication. They moment you start lying, is the moment there is a breach in our friendship/relationship.

You can't lie to me and just expect for when I expose your lie and you say I'm sorry that the effects of you lying goes away. Trust has been broken and it will be a challenge for you to earn it back.

My suggestion is to tell the truth at all costs, even if you think it will hurt the person's feelings, because if they find out that you have been lying to them the whole time, that will hurt them even more.

There's a problem when you're in a relationship with someone and they're not the person you initially go to when you have an issue.

-I feel someone else is better at being sensitive to my wants/needs
-You have a lack of sincere concern
-You have selective hearing
-You only care about something if it will directly affect your status.

. . . . . . .

There's this feeling on the inside of me. It's a mixture of hurt, anger, and nervousness. It's like a well of tears forming inside my heart, just waiting to burst from my eyes, and stream down my cheeks. I don't know why I feel this way, but I can't smile. I don't want to talk because I can't explain this feeling.

Your Many Identities.....

I am intrigued on the number of identities you operate under. If you have lied about who are, why should I believe you haven't lied about other things. Who am I to believe?? You? I think not, the more I think about it, the more things that you have said to me have seemed like all lies. I have experienced people lying to me. Lying about their sexual orientation, lying about their past, and now you, lying about your identity.
I have done nothing but try to be open and honest with you concerning everything, but yet I feel there are so many secrets between us.

You kept your secrets hidden from me, afraid I would judge you. You were afraid of being open with me, afraid I would end all communication. But what you didn't understand is that through your lies, I saw a man that I could relate to. It wasn't your lies that attracted me to you, it was when you were vulnerable that I was drawn to you.

Way of Escape

I am thankful for that way of escape, for without it, there would be absolutely no way for me to make it out without any scrapes or bruises. Sometimes we put ourselves in certain predicaments, where we know we are walking on thin ice and trying our strength in the face of temptation.

You have to be prepared for whatever your weakness is at all times. Never allow your guard to be down, because if you get caught in that trap, it might be too late to turn around.

There are signs though that come to us when we know there is danger ahead. Just like when you're driving and there's a bridge out ahead, there will plenty of signs telling you to stop and turn around, or else you will run out of road and crash and die. You see all the orange signs that say the bridge is closed, but yet you still continue driving, thinking you can make it to your destination, despite this mishap. Maybe you're thinking you have magicial powers and with your car, you can fly over the bridge....
Well unfortunately, you will see that it is not possible, but by that time you are stuck and have no way of getting out.

But if you would just listened to the signs before you, instead of just passing them by.

God has provided us caution signs, that allows us to escape, to turn around, and get back to safety, before we make a fatal decision. You have the decision, which will you choose??.......The way of escape or the same route that only gets you no more???