My Mistake

There seems to be no way out for you and I, and it seems to be the story of our lives.
I know I should be happy, but I have a feeling that this thing is just not right.
What you do see when you look me in the eyes, please don't begin telling me lies.

Don't tell me all about the lies you told
And about how you had such low self-control.
Don't tell me about how everything was my fault.

I know we were a mistake, but a mistake we thought was worth repeating.
We kept getting caught up into each others' trap, but never really fighting to get out.
You had your issues and so did I, but not once did that ever stop us from continuing.
Guilt begin to overtake me and I begin to back away, but once loneliness begin to creep up on me again, you came to mind.

I know you were my mistake and now I must forget you.
I couldn't fall in love with you, because I loved another.
You were just there momentarily, but he will here for eternity.

My Side of the Story

This is my side of the story. I am going to tell you what really happened from the beginning to the end.

I saw him sitting there, looking a little rough. I wasn't really paying him any attention because he was not the one I had my eye on. It was going around that I was married, but of course no one was brave enough to approach me about it. The entire time I felt some one's eyes on me and in the end, who would have known, I would have looked into those eyes to find a bitter soul. A soul I was only supposed to guide out of brokenness, not fall in love with. But it was throughout this journey with him that that soul drifted away farther and farther away. Into an abyss of corruption, forever disconnecting any type of relationship we could have ever had.

At first it was fun and exciting, but I did not realize until it was over, all the people that stood in place, trying to warn me not to get too attached. I was blamed in the end, but that is fine, as long as he knew he would have never found someone like me again. I now know, he and I were not meant for each other. He wanted everyone in the rooms attention, whereas if you wanted mine, you would have to earn it. I guess reality never completely hit home for him and even if it did, he would probably never admit it.

I have seen him around and the chemistry we once had has vanished away because he has been tainted more now than then. When I looked at him I did not see any of the anointing that once resided with him. Please know that I cared for him and I would have done almost anything for him, but when you take that for granted, situations usually end up where you do not want them.

My heart was broken after that experience, but with time I have healed and I am more stronger and more resilient. My trust was broken and even to this day, I have learned not to trust so easily. I am glad I only shared my untangibles with him, because life would have been completely different otherwise.

These days I refuse to waste time on people who cannot make time for me and neither should anyone else. If you choose to make that type of connection with a young lady, do not lie to her and do not secretly do things that if brought to light could ultimately crush her. Because one thing is for sure, you will reap what you sow. Maybe not tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year, but you better know one day you will.

So this is my side of the story and although I still kept it very vague and I kept some things out, the point is to learn from past mistakes and do not allow yourself to be put in a situation where you're not being treated as well as you should. Because if you allow someone to treat like dirt, they probably will. Yes I have high expections, and those expectations are not met, trust me I will dismiss any chance forthere to be anything but a friendship/association.

Don't Know What to Do.....

I feel you knocking on the door of my heart, but I don't know how to let you in.
I want to welcome you in, but something keeps stopping me.
Is is my past? Maybe, but what are you going to do?
Would you break down the door and break in through a window, or would you just forget about it and walk away?

I feel as if I have missed some great opportunities because of this fear I continue to harbor in my heart.

I don't want to go back to the people that used to be stand-ins.
Someone that used to just occupy my time until someone interesting came along.
I want something real, something that I'm not afraid to run and tell the world about.
Life is hard when you have trust issues, and when I thought I had gotten over it, I was proven wrong.

I attempt to walk daily in confidence, but sometimes things get the worst of me.
I have really been able to open up to one person, but that person could not even be with me, but for unknown reasons, the feelings and emotions were mutual between us.

Why do I always seem to meet unavailable people?

I Am Ready....

I wish you were here for me to look into your eyes and see that look I have been dieing to see. I want to see the inner beauty and understanding that lies in your eyes.
If only you were here so that I could give you that sweet smile, and that unspoken invite.
That unspoken invite that whispers come and sweep me off my feet.
That sweet smile that screams I LOVE YOU!!!
If only you really knew how I felt about you.
I am tired of holding this back. Yes,you know I love you, but there's more to it than just that.

I'm ready.

I am ready to call you my own.
I am ready to go beyond being just a boo or babe.
Although I haven't made this type of commitment in years, I believe now is the time.

I was once too easily distracted, but now I'm focused and ready for what the future has in store.
I once had past ugly emotions that I was still harboring and until I was free of them, all of my relationships would suffer.
I was once living in my past rather than in the present. My life was just passing me by, but now I have a new grasp on life, and it is much sweeter than before.

I'm ready for a new start with a great person......
and perhaps that great person might just be YOU!!

Emotionally Unstable

I wish I could say I understood what was happening around me and to me, but I don't.
I feel myself reaching out, but scared of who or what I will touch.
I am afraid to open my mouth, because I don't want to say something that I would regret.
I am afraid to open my eyes, because I don't want anyone to see into my soul.
I am afraid to open my heart, because then it could get broken again and I don't want to take that chance.

I am emotionally unstable right now, not knowing which direction to go.
I keep myself at a distance from people because I am afraid to show them the real me, afraid they won't like what they see.

To be emotionally unstable for me means having to take each day as it comes, whether good or bad.
Lately I haven't been having the greatest days, not wanting to leave my room, and definitely not the house.
I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone or be touched anymore, feeling a need to turn people away that may actually sincerely care about me.


I could cry because I keep allowing myself to be put into situations where I am being used as a rebound.
They come out of a relationship, they have a bad argument, or just bored and looking for something to do, and I, for whatever reason, seem to make myself available.
I end up feeling stupid, used, and yet again alone.
I try to make friends, but people don't know what a friendship is these days.
They all seem to want friends with benefits, well I am not that type of girl and if I am rude about it, well too bad because I don't even care anymore.

I wish I could become a stable individiual but right now that's just not the case.
My need to feel in control of everything often is my wall to block someone else from controlling me and the situation.
I feel if I do give someone the power they would use it to completely destroy me and everything I have worked so hard to achieve.
My trust issues have not yet completely vanished and they hold me in a stand still position and I am utterly afraid to move from that place.
I know what I have come across over the past few years and it has not been a very pleasant experience.

I did not always be this way, but it was I began venturing out into the real world, meeting real people outside of my comfort zone that reality set in.
Reality is that I had been in this box for so long, I never knew what to expect from things outside of the norm I had created for myself.
I still sometimes feel as if I have one foot outside the box and one still in, but the one that's still in, is fighting to win and for me to get back in the box forever to stay.

But how do I overcome this fear?
This fear of rejection, denial, loneliness, heartbreak?

Someone help me......

My Daddy

A healing is taking place in my heart.
God is filling a void that I had been forced to live with for 21 years. The pain I've had to live with has been unbearable at times, but yet somehow I made.

Daddy's arms has been the place I've been trying to find for such a long time. It's that place that nothing even matters anymore. The looks that people like to give don't even matter anymore. The things that people like to say doesn't even matter anymore, because I'm in my Daddy's Arms.

It's the way he just sometimes stares at me, seeing himself in me.
Seeing a part of him that has sprouted out into such a beautiful creation.
The look of awe that this is his seed, his blood.

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With my Daddy not being there for me as a child growing up, there were other men that tried to stand up to plate and stand in proxy for him. But it's something when it's a Father and his Daughter. No one can spoil her just like he can. There is something about the love of a father to his daughter that no on can give.

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This healing process had to take place because I was scared to be with a man and completely give my heart, mind, and body to him because I was afraid. I was afraid that once I did all of that, that he would leave me there all alone and hurt, without any explaination. So as I experienced things at a young age, it had began to get easier to just close myself off and put up a wall. It wasn't only against men, but women as well. The thought of someone getting close put fear in me, and still today I learning to just step out of my comfort zone and take a chance. It's not easy for me by no means and people always think I am just conservative, but alot of the time, it's just my fear. I hide behind it contrary to what I know that God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind. God is still working on me and for that I will be so ever thankful.

This Person............

It absolutely, positively amazes me how one day you can just piss me off completely and then the next day, make me fall utterly in love with you.

You make me want to go back and start afresh with you.

And each time we crumble, and you put us back together again, I'm reminded of our beginning a few years back.

A time when I was in such denial of the way I felt about you.

Even when I thought I had met someone that could make me happy, you stood there always wanting to protect me from getting hurt. And at that time I didn't understand why you were blocking, but now I get it. Thanks.

I didn't always listen to you, but now it seems as if you are all that's left and coincidentally all that I want and could ever need.

I had been in this bubble and you have been the one to break in and help me break out.

I appreciate you more and more each time we talk.

But I don't know what the future holds for us, because we have already have a "set-up", that I know I don't really want.

I want to be more and I'm willing to wait because I feel like you're worth it.





Wow!! I'm scared of the way I feel right now.
It's like I know I shouldn't feel this way about this person, but my heart and mind are strong and the way I feel hasn't gone away, but it's only getting stronger.


I've always said a friend is the best companion, but I didn't know it would be this person. I know everyone has always said something about us, but it was too much of a fairytale to believe it. But I love talking to him everyday, for hours about nothing.
I love his affection and his attention. I love how I smile when I see him and how I just light up in his presence and the twinkle he puts in my eye.

But I'm not dating right now.....But what am I waiting for???

Enough is enough!!!!!!!

It's so amazing to me how people think they can just say and do anything towards you that they feel is right, when they know it's not. I'm not dealing with people anymore and their attitudes. I'm not lending a helping hand because I'm learning from sitting back and watching how you are just like the rest of them. You talk about people behind their backs and you probably talk about me as well. So yeah I bet you are wondering why I haven't been calling or texting, well it's because I have nothing to say to you. You are a user and someone who just runs their mouth. You are just like rest of them, except you are not AS messy. You do the same exact things, if not more, but you've learned to cover your tracks to make sure you don't get caught. Well I've had enough so if I don't respond to you, don't even be upset because you had it coming!!!Enough is enough!!!!!!!