Emotionally Unstable

I wish I could say I understood what was happening around me and to me, but I don't.
I feel myself reaching out, but scared of who or what I will touch.
I am afraid to open my mouth, because I don't want to say something that I would regret.
I am afraid to open my eyes, because I don't want anyone to see into my soul.
I am afraid to open my heart, because then it could get broken again and I don't want to take that chance.

I am emotionally unstable right now, not knowing which direction to go.
I keep myself at a distance from people because I am afraid to show them the real me, afraid they won't like what they see.

To be emotionally unstable for me means having to take each day as it comes, whether good or bad.
Lately I haven't been having the greatest days, not wanting to leave my room, and definitely not the house.
I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone or be touched anymore, feeling a need to turn people away that may actually sincerely care about me.


I could cry because I keep allowing myself to be put into situations where I am being used as a rebound.
They come out of a relationship, they have a bad argument, or just bored and looking for something to do, and I, for whatever reason, seem to make myself available.
I end up feeling stupid, used, and yet again alone.
I try to make friends, but people don't know what a friendship is these days.
They all seem to want friends with benefits, well I am not that type of girl and if I am rude about it, well too bad because I don't even care anymore.

I wish I could become a stable individiual but right now that's just not the case.
My need to feel in control of everything often is my wall to block someone else from controlling me and the situation.
I feel if I do give someone the power they would use it to completely destroy me and everything I have worked so hard to achieve.
My trust issues have not yet completely vanished and they hold me in a stand still position and I am utterly afraid to move from that place.
I know what I have come across over the past few years and it has not been a very pleasant experience.

I did not always be this way, but it was I began venturing out into the real world, meeting real people outside of my comfort zone that reality set in.
Reality is that I had been in this box for so long, I never knew what to expect from things outside of the norm I had created for myself.
I still sometimes feel as if I have one foot outside the box and one still in, but the one that's still in, is fighting to win and for me to get back in the box forever to stay.

But how do I overcome this fear?
This fear of rejection, denial, loneliness, heartbreak?

Someone help me......

My Daddy

A healing is taking place in my heart.
God is filling a void that I had been forced to live with for 21 years. The pain I've had to live with has been unbearable at times, but yet somehow I made.

Daddy's arms has been the place I've been trying to find for such a long time. It's that place that nothing even matters anymore. The looks that people like to give don't even matter anymore. The things that people like to say doesn't even matter anymore, because I'm in my Daddy's Arms.

It's the way he just sometimes stares at me, seeing himself in me.
Seeing a part of him that has sprouted out into such a beautiful creation.
The look of awe that this is his seed, his blood.

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With my Daddy not being there for me as a child growing up, there were other men that tried to stand up to plate and stand in proxy for him. But it's something when it's a Father and his Daughter. No one can spoil her just like he can. There is something about the love of a father to his daughter that no on can give.

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This healing process had to take place because I was scared to be with a man and completely give my heart, mind, and body to him because I was afraid. I was afraid that once I did all of that, that he would leave me there all alone and hurt, without any explaination. So as I experienced things at a young age, it had began to get easier to just close myself off and put up a wall. It wasn't only against men, but women as well. The thought of someone getting close put fear in me, and still today I learning to just step out of my comfort zone and take a chance. It's not easy for me by no means and people always think I am just conservative, but alot of the time, it's just my fear. I hide behind it contrary to what I know that God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound mind. God is still working on me and for that I will be so ever thankful.

This Person............

It absolutely, positively amazes me how one day you can just piss me off completely and then the next day, make me fall utterly in love with you.

You make me want to go back and start afresh with you.

And each time we crumble, and you put us back together again, I'm reminded of our beginning a few years back.

A time when I was in such denial of the way I felt about you.

Even when I thought I had met someone that could make me happy, you stood there always wanting to protect me from getting hurt. And at that time I didn't understand why you were blocking, but now I get it. Thanks.

I didn't always listen to you, but now it seems as if you are all that's left and coincidentally all that I want and could ever need.

I had been in this bubble and you have been the one to break in and help me break out.

I appreciate you more and more each time we talk.

But I don't know what the future holds for us, because we have already have a "set-up", that I know I don't really want.

I want to be more and I'm willing to wait because I feel like you're worth it.





Wow!! I'm scared of the way I feel right now.
It's like I know I shouldn't feel this way about this person, but my heart and mind are strong and the way I feel hasn't gone away, but it's only getting stronger.


I've always said a friend is the best companion, but I didn't know it would be this person. I know everyone has always said something about us, but it was too much of a fairytale to believe it. But I love talking to him everyday, for hours about nothing.
I love his affection and his attention. I love how I smile when I see him and how I just light up in his presence and the twinkle he puts in my eye.

But I'm not dating right now.....But what am I waiting for???

Enough is enough!!!!!!!

It's so amazing to me how people think they can just say and do anything towards you that they feel is right, when they know it's not. I'm not dealing with people anymore and their attitudes. I'm not lending a helping hand because I'm learning from sitting back and watching how you are just like the rest of them. You talk about people behind their backs and you probably talk about me as well. So yeah I bet you are wondering why I haven't been calling or texting, well it's because I have nothing to say to you. You are a user and someone who just runs their mouth. You are just like rest of them, except you are not AS messy. You do the same exact things, if not more, but you've learned to cover your tracks to make sure you don't get caught. Well I've had enough so if I don't respond to you, don't even be upset because you had it coming!!!Enough is enough!!!!!!!

What Was in My Past

I often found myself screaming your name, but you didn’t seem to hear me. Your ears had fallen deaf to my sirens and your heart immune to my love.


I loved you too much and now I am hurt in my heart. As time passed my love for you grew. It grew but you went away. You departed from me, leaving me without a map to find my way. I had lost you and now my desire for you is no longer there. I learned not to get too attached anymore and maybe that will cause me less grief. I wish I would have never experienced love so that I wouldn’t have had to experience that pain and hurt.


I had gotten tired of everyone that I was interested in falling into one of the three categories: gay, too old for me, or married. And then if there was someone I might be remotely interested in, he was not saved or if he was, he was too busy for me. So I no longer wanted to date. I didn’t want to take the time to get to know anyone and put my heart at risk of getting hurt, because from experience I had learned it was not worth it.

Can't Run Away From My Thoughts

I’m trying to run away from this thought of you that you have placed in my mind.
I’m trying so hard to fight it and deny myself of its pleasures.
I don’t know why I allowed myself to get pulled into that situation, but I was so weak.

I let my curiosity get the best of me, of what I knew was wrong.
But I had overridden what I knew to be right and the entire time I was fighting myself trying not to enjoy what I knew in my heart, mind, body, and soul to be pure evil.
But I kept going.
I kept going until I was purely busted and disgusted with my actions and yours.

It was after about a couple of hours that I had regained control over my mind and body and realized the mistake I just made.
At least I can say, I learned a little from my previous experience, but obviously not enough, because I allowed myself to be used.

I wish there was someone I could turn to, that truly understood what I was going through.
I needed someone that would not judge, but rather someone who had maybe once experienced this before themselves and made it out of the lion’s den.


I often think what if I had not made that commitment 6 years ago, what type of woman would I be.
I honestly believe my life would be totally different, but God spared me for a reason.
He has a plan in mind that He wants me to fulfill and I guess I must be kept on

Someone of the Past

There was something that I always loved about you.
It might have been the fact that I knew we could never have been together, or the fact that no one else felt the same way about you as I did.

It might have been the look you would give me that I just couldn't deny.
Well I'm not that little girl anymore and I am grown woman capable of making my own decisions and even if you never get to know that side of me, secretly I would have loved to open the invitation.

Everyone knew the way I would light up when you would walk down the aisle and ever so lightly tap me on my arm.

It might have been a crush that turned into infatuation, but unfortunately after 10 years, it still rings in my heart.

My God

So today I allowed myself to drift away to the place in my mind where I had to just think about everything that is going on with me, to me, and around me.

I thought about how nothing seems to be going right, but I know God is still able.
I know He is still a provider and a way maker.

I allowed myself to go there to see that although I may be in a dry place at the moment, as long as I stay grounded in Him, no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

I refuse to allow my circumstances and situations around me to determine my lifes end.
I am a strong woman of God and I will trust Him at all costs.

In this time of isolation, I will invest my time building my relationship with Him, for He wants all of me right now.
I believe He is preparing me for who He has created just for me, but I must not divert from the path.
I would hate to miss my blessing, because I have diverted from the path for an instant gratification.

I'm learning that no one can love you like the Lord.
Men will lie to you and say whatever is needed to get what they want.

But God loves you in spite of everything, when you're having a bad day or good day.
He won't use you for His own selfish wants, but will invest in you everything He has to give.

There's nobody like God and the more I live the better I find that to be true.