It just keeps happening .....

I am not interested in a "conditional relationship" nor do I want your "conditional love". If what we have is based on time, distance, or location, it won't be enough to keep me. I will not continue to give all of me if only in the end, I receive just a small portion. We must walk on the same path, heading in the same direction.

What I desire in my life won't change and if you are not interested in pursuing that with me, it is completely understandable, but it is still something I must do for me.

Here I am back writing.....

I didn't realize until this very minute that I'm ready to finally close a chapter of my life that had been lingering on the edge of my grasp. Today I let it go, knowing that some things happened because of convenience and not a genuine place. But unfortunately, that's life and once you learn that, your feelings won't get hurt and you'll be at peace. I think I'm about to start back writing.... There's so much to say to a future I've never seen before.

This is a continuation from my Facebook post today. 

There is so much inside of me that needs to be said; about the past, present, and future. 
I used to write so much here over the course of the last 8 years and when reading each post, I know what I was dealing with and with whom. But now I can say that I once loved someone, and well now, my love deserves and desires so much more. My love deserves a whole and free heart and mind, not bound by hurt, pride, or insecurity. My love deserves an open and honest heart that won't be ashamed of the love he has for me. My love deserves a consistency never seen before that holds onto the value of loyalty. 

In the last chapter of my life, I thought it held so much promise, but then those little things you never expect to see start popping up now that the veil is not over my eyes anymore. Guess you're thinking, well better you see it now than later right? Sure, but I prayed and prayed, asking why, when,what, where, and how? I wanted all the answers to the questions I had acquired, always hearing we walk by faith, not by sight. But then things started going crazy and I'm crying myself to sleep because I don't like what I see and I'm praying Lord help me, release me, free me. It took some time. I had to forgive first and learn to love even when it hurt my feelings, realizing my feelings weren't a factor anymore, it was all a part of the process. I had to get out of my feelings to find freedom, I had to get out of my feelings to find a complete heart healed from all the broken promises and lies.

It's when you feel completely empty, that's the prefect time for God to fill you with His everlasting love. A love so true and unfailing. A love that will reveal to you all that you ask, nothing held back. I'm at that empty place, but a good place. A place where I put my heart in God's hand and when he's ready, He will place it in the right hand of the man He created just for Tesia Y Wright. God is the Potter and I'm the clay, He's molding and shaping me for His glory. So He purposely set me aside, set me a part from the others, because He said you're special my child and I have something so much more for you. I don't want you tainted. I didn't realize that until this year. I always wondered why I never quite fit in. He's preparing me for a great journey of successfulness, love, and true happiness, untainted by the world.

Friendship

Friendship At this point in my life, I don't have many people I can call a friend. I've had people I grew up with and some I met along the way. Many were there only for a short season, but others were there for years. But on this journey in Korea, I've met some true friends. Friends that would accept me the way I am. Friends that understand the obstacles I face. Friends that don't look at me in judgement. It's nice to meet mature people who have an open mind,but more importantly, an open heart. It's nice to have someone to really look up to and to teach you lessons along the way. I don't want to be friends with someone for 15 years, but yet they aren't growing and maturing mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. If you're still doing stuff from high school, clearly our connection has been lost. Trust, loyaly, and communication are three important qualities in any relationship. I expect so much because that is what I'm willing to give in return.

Life.....

I never imagined my life would be where it is today. I feel so free and yet so contained at the same time. I had no intention of coming to Korea and meeting someone that I would truly cherish as a friend. I don't fee like I have many true friends. I had people to call on when I was bored, but a true friend, that has been hard to find. Many people often have a motive for wanting to be friends with you, and they aren't just geniune.


Going to another country and adapting to another's culture and opening yourself up to the criticism that comes along with that territory, involves a level of maturity and growth. I didn't know just how much I had grown until I was faced with the adversity of home. Home is truly as the saying goes, "Where the heart is". My heart is wrapped up in whirl of emotions and truth. This truth is what I have to learn about me. This truth has guided me and will continue to guide me.

My faith has increased because I don't see with my eyes, but with an open heart and mind. The games are over because I have stopped playing them. I don't have time for the same foolishness and imaturity. My life is where the Lord is leading it to go and I plan to allow Him to continue leading me.

I'm willing to make all the sacrifices needed to get me where I need to be. I no longer can compromise.

This journey of life has been rather interesting to say in the least and I have a yearning for more of God's spirit and His anointing. He never it would be easy, but He has given us everything we need and more to make through the storm and the rain. I'm just crazy enough to believe that He will provide.

I Present to You..... God

God is pretty awesome, if you ask me. He's everything to me. He's the one I depend on for peace, strength, and joy. Daily I strive to keep my mind, body, and spirit a temple for Him; one that is clean and pure. This is just a sample of what He is to me.

Don't focus on one portion of the Bible to fit your life or situation. Don't put God into a box. He's the Savior, provider, healer, deliverer, and everything you ever want or need.

If you trust God because of your feelings, you aren't saved. It's not about your feelings or what I feel, but what God said. If He said it, I believe it. This is what I was taught to believe as a child. But it was only when I found out for myself that God was all I had heard Him to be. He really is a friend to the friendless and a father to the fatherless. At moments in my life, I've been in both of those situations. He was there all the time. He kept me safe when I was in complete danger. It's not until you take get there, that you can even begin to understand.

You must get in a place where you don't mind risking the things of this world to get a better relationship with God. When you take a risk, He won't leave you out to dry, He will show up and rescue you. But He doesn't plan to rescue you, for you to just turn around and die in your sin.

Make the decision to turn from your sin and God will give you the strength you need to overcome it. When you understand the condition of your disease or sin, you will make the necessary steps to change it. But maybe you need to get to the point of desperation before a change is made.....

Well each hour, minute, and second that passes, we are one step closer to death. As you know, we don't know the day or the hour that our time will come to say goodbye to this side of life, but trust me, it's coming. We are in no position to say "No" or "Not right now" when God comes knocking on our hearts. The time is NOW.

It is time to get a relationship with your creator. The one who is always there. I know because even when I've been 14 hours away from my family, I have peace and joy. Joy that comes from above. Peace that surpasses all understanding even in the midst of chaos.

The Beginning of My Story

Today is the day that I will begin to tell my story.


Many years ago, I started out as a very shy girl. I didn't trust many people and therefore, that was protection. Although I was shy, I had a desire to sing. I joined the children's choir at church. There I met other children that I would spend the rest of my life knowing, loving, and depending on. It was also during those years of singing in the children's choir that something miraculous happened to me. As I stood there singing the songs of zion with a sincere and pure heart, the Lord touched my heart and from that moment my life was changed.

At that moment, I felt God's spirit enter my heart and as tears began to stream down my face, I knew it was time to fully commit myself to God. It was time out for just "playing church", like many of us who grew up in the church knew how to do.

I'm so very thankful for Sister Boyce, Sister Carlisle, and Brother Fred. They provided an opportunity for us to come together. They taught us songs that years later we would remember. And now at 24 years old, I can stand to tell many that their efforts were not in vain. I thank you for being a willing vessel.

We often don't know who's life we will impact, but we must be willing and available.

An Epiphany of the Journey

So I've finally realized that I was never meant to be fall in love in the past, because there is someone greater in my future that will be real, honest, and completely in love with God. I had so many obstacles thrown at me in every situation, but it was so that I didn't get too comfortable. So no longer will there be anymore Re -dos, undos, backspaces, rewinds, copies, imitations, fabrications, or simulations allowed in my life.

It always seemed everyone would fit in this one category, which never worked for me. I don't want to be limited in what is available or offered to me. I'm a free soul now with a heart that is free and whole. I am secure in what I can offer and bring to the table, and it's not just a pretty face. I no longer will accept inconsistency, because if and when you're into something or someone, I believe, you should give it your all.

Although I'm single, I'm not available. Right now, I'm preparing my heart, mind, body, and soul for my upcoming future. I don't know exactly what's in store, but I know God has it in His hands.

I know that being here is all in the will of God. If nothing else, this a humbling experience and one in which I am to draw nigh to Him.
As I look back over my life, I think about all the things I've been through, all that I've seen, heard, and learned. It all prepared me to be in this place; right here, right now.

The Last Conversation to My Past

If only I could have one last conversation with you, I'd tell you how much I once cared for you. I'd tell you that you made a heavy impact in my life, both in a positive and negative way.

I'd tell you how much you were on my mind for years on end, but now there's just the memory.
I'd tell you how selfish I thought you were and how in denial I was once was.
I'd tell you that although I can't remember the day the happened, I'm glad whatever was between us came to a screeching holt. I don't know if it happened 6 months or 2 years ago, nonetheless I'm grateful.

I thought not having you in my life would make things hard and lonely, but actually the opposite has happened. I'm at peace with myself. I no longer have someone judging my every move, when they themselves don't have a clean and clear past.

I had to learn to depend on myself and God to see me through. When I first met you, the cover was pulled over my eyes and I only saw what I wanted to see. But now the true is revealed and I go forth in life being prosperous and free.

An Open Mind being put to Good Use

As I looked back over my entries from the time I started this blog, which was a few years ago, I realize how much I've grown, even just from last year. I can actually see the progress of the mental state and maturity. For a while, my blogs used to capture my bitterness and anger, especially toward species of the opposite sex, but now I'm beyond that. There's so much more to life than that. Coming into communication with people is necessary,but you need to be at a place where you can appropriately socialize. Some people can over analyze, whereas, some people seem to be like the tin man and have no brain at all.

Being here is forcing me is to line up my priorities in a way that pleases me and not necessarily other parties involved.

I think we all have to get to this place in our lives for us to see ourselves for ourselves, instead of always looking through someone else's eyes. People love to comment and critics others, before taking a moment to look in the mirror.

Many people are always striving to be the next best thing and have the best of everything, but they are not happy inside. If you gain all the riches in the world, but yet, you have no peace of mind or joy, then all the money will be useless to you.

A self examination can bring you out of darkness and once in the light, your priorities must be made right.

In Vain...

It's been almost 2 months since been here. There have been ups and downs, but I'm made it through. I've learned to put my trust in God. For He is the only one that will never leave me alone. I've tried to find a joy on my own, but the world's joy just slipped right through my hands. Because it was not made to weather the storm.

I've been in that place for far too long. I knew something more was in store. That is why this path has been laid. I had no inclination for my future when I was still searching this world for love. Yes, I knew that it would not last, but my heart still reached out and grabbed it, in vain.

I searched the minds and hearts of many, trying to locate myself in them, but that too was in vain.

When you're a child, you can only imagine a future, but when you become an adult that once distant future, becomes your reality and present.

I never imagined my life would be where it is today. I never imagined I would be one of sole contributors to a child's education.

Life is a funny at times and only God knows the path He will have to trod, but in any case, He will indeed prepare you.

Experiences in Korea

It's been a while since I've written in my blog, but so much has transpired in my life. I have graduated college and I am now in Changwon, South Korea. I am teaching English to children here who have been learning English since about the age of 3 or 4.

Being here has definitely been a culture shock, because upon entering into the country, I have been the center of attention, but not in the way I would like to be. Many people have looked at me crazy, staring like they have never seen anyone of a different race, which might exactly be the case. In the beginning, I was angry that people were being so rude, but then I had to open my mind to think that these people may not have been taught the way I was. I was taught to accept people from all walks of life. whether they be rich or poor, white, black, hispanic, asian, or whatever.

I would always find myself saying outloud, as I walked down the street, that these people ought to be glad it's me here and not some of the other people from America. I have been taught to respect others as well as myself. I refuse to give myself or others a bad name, just because I have been disrespected in a way that it would have been justified if I acted out accordingly.

MOHAWK QUICKWEAVE DONE BY JOEL MCKINNEY

MOHAWK QUICKWEAVE

Front face view of mohawk

1st Entry in 2011

It's my 1st entry in 2011 and the Lord is doing something miraculous in my life. Out with the old, and in with the new. So many things have been happening lately; some good and some bad. I need the Lord to work on me in every capacity: my heart, my mind, my spirit, and this flesh. there is a constant battle of the spirit and the flesh.

I need to learn to let go of things and people completely, cutting it off at the root, instead of picking it back up to deal with those same feelings of resentment, rejection, and hurt all over again.

What is it about me that makes people stay at a distance and be afraid to come close?Maybe it's a sign that I have written on my forehead that starts to blink when they get too close....
I don't know, but I'll just take it as this is the time God needs to work some things in ME.

The Last Conversation

Well I guess I just had the last conversation I will ever have with the one I was so confused about.
What we always want is to be with someone who actually likes talking to us, but there always seemed to be tension in his voice and now there will never have to be tension between us anymore, because I no longer desire to be a part of his life in any capacity.
It feels great knowing that I possess the power to be free.

We Live and We Learn

So today I really remembered that no one is perfect. We all have messed up in one way or another and we all have our flaws.

In the past few days, a few people, specifically men, that I USED to associate with have come to me with the desire to rekindle our friendship. At first I was happy to hear from them until the conversation progressed and I remembered why we ceased all communication. They would apologize, saying they were just going through a phase in their life and didn't know what they really wanted at the time. I understand all that, but it still left me with a bad taste in my mouth of them.

I had time to get over them and then months and sometimes even years later they come back, not realizing that their chance of having me in their life is completely over.

You can't meet someone and when they start to trust you and form feelings for you, just up and decide you have other things in life to deal with that doesn't concern them. You either need to incorporate me into your life or just completely leave me alone. So now unfortunately, it's left me to tread lightly with everyone I come in contact with.

We live and we learn.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Ok I'm angry....
I don't know exactly what I'm angry about, but I'm angry.
I try not to take it out on anyone specifically, but it happens.

I'm so angry and more so disappointed in the men I meet and come in contact with. They let me down and then expect for me to just get over when they apologize and own up to the fact that they made a mistake.

Well unfortunately, it doesn't happen that way.

Now that I'm gone and no longer dealing with you, you decide you want me back and come back talking all that good game that is full of hot breath, trying to persuade me to forgive your sorry excuse for a man.

NO!!
I won't go through that mess anymore.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

BIG EARRINGS!!!





IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL....



EYESHADOW


THE MOVIE BROWN SUGAR


THE COLOR BURNT ORANGE



TAZ



NAIL POLISH



CHICKEN STRIPS AND HONEY MUSTARD!!! YUMMY!!



LIPGLOSS!!


CANDY!!!!

Total Confusion

So for last few weeks, there has been someone on my mind that I've been having very mixed emotions about. One moment I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and then in the next I want to just remove all communication between the two of us. I'm used to a certain level of pursuit from the guy I'm talking to, and his level is incredibly lower than I'm used to. He keeps me intrigued about him and I just can't loose him.
This is the big kicker, but not a surprise if you know anything about me

........ we haven't seen each other in person.......

Big surprise I know. You're probably thinking, well how can she like this guy so much when she hasn't even met him. Well I get to know the person and just hope and pray they're not full of lies. It's not like I don't have any clue of what he looks like. Trust me, the brother is FINE.

But we have been arguing for like 2 weeks now, so at this point, I'm tired of it, and ready to call it quits, but then right when I make up my mind to walk completely away, he says something that just captures me all over again.

I really want to be with him, but there is just that something that's keeping me at bay. He has no idea of who I am and what I want, because I feel as though I'm still changing and morphing into the woman God is creating me to be.

He has expressed what he wants and in the beginning when he made those things known, I was fine with them, but I was also thinking, those things would be accomplished in the future, not necessarily something I needed to take in at that very moment.

I don't know what to do and I wish I could just see him and know exactly what choice I should make, but until then, I guess I'll be going in circles.

Just Life I Guess.....

I'm not interested in being a Plan B for anyone. I want to be the one and only.
I want the fairy tale, although I know it probably won't happen, I at least want someone to try to make my dreams come true.

I'm a good woman and I deserve a good man. Someone who only has eyes for me. Someone who will take it slow and wait until I'm ready.

OMG....
As I have been sitting here thinking and watching Lifetime movies, I think I've had an epiphany. I can't stop thinking about him when we're not talking.....
But then I sometimes have to question myself and ask who is HIM? Which brings me right back to where I started.... in a total state of confusion.

Right when I think I have everything figured out, another issue comes up.

Are things supposed to be this challenging?
Am I supposed to question myself?

I thought when this time came around I would just know.... but I don't.

Maybe I'm not ready......