Precious Little Angel

You allowed me to trust you.
You gave me false hope.
You made me feel you would never hurt me.
You said I was your precious little angel.

What has changed between us?
I know I have changed mentally and physically, but so what?
Yes my body has changed from your little girl to a woman.
My mind has changed from a child’s way of thinking to the woman I am.
But you said, I’d always be your angel and you wouldn’t let anything or anyone hurt me.
For I was your precious little angel.

Except you did.
You hurt me.
You tore me down when you should have built me up.
You destroyed the bond we had.
You changed the way you looked at your precious little angel.

I was then looked upon as someone you could pounce on when drunk.
Someone you could take advantage of.
Someone you once loved and cared for.
Someone who looked up to you as her hero.
Someone you once considered your precious little angel.

But now that I am a woman, you see what is before you, not the little girl inside of me.
The little girl that used to be your shadow.
The little girl that used to sit on your lap while we watched television.
The little girl that only wanted to be in your arms for the tears to stop.
The little girl you left the impression on that you could accomplish anything in the world.
The little girl that was once your precious little angel.

The Process

First you may feel a little rumble in your tummy.
And say mommy I don’t feel so good.
You feel this sudden urge to push, but yet you know it’s not quite ready.
It also might be because you are questioning whether you’ll make it there in time.
Most of time for those who are pros, get there just in time to let it roll right out.


Sometimes you like to read, text, or sing to do whatever makes that time go by swiftly.
I like to just to sit there because I know it won’t be long.
And if it feels like it wants to be stubborn, a good jog around the house will help guide it to its appropriate destination.

And secretly, for those who care to admit, are curious about what it looks like.
When finished, we get up and inspect, making sure everything is alright.
And we just want to see the beautiful, smelly little treasures that lie beneathe us.
We sometimes wished we could have mom’s assistance like when we were babies to do the cleaning, because obviously some men out there do a terrible job of it.
The proof is there in plain site, unfortunately not just on the cleaning supplies.
It could be brown, green, orange, yellow, or whatever color it decides to be at that particular time of the day.
For as you know some do the process more than others.

But at the end, some may have routines they practice for the sake of those around them.
Whether it’s to light incense, a candle, spray or whatever.
As long as you do something.

But of course we all know yours smell like roses.


This is dedicated to Monique,
she inspired me to write this piece of literature.

thanks

Everyone Else

You get butterflies.
You feel this tugging at your heart.
The tears began to swell in your eyes, but yet you try your hardest to fight to keep them back.
All you want to do is scream at the top of lungs.

But you can’t.
You don’t want any one to see your tears.
To see your pain.
To see your hurt.
To see how wounded you are.
To see your damaged heart.
To see straight through this wall you have built into your heart.
Into the very essence of your being.

It would let everyone see there’s more to you than what they can see and feel.
That there is a really nice person inside of you.
You get tired of always having to make sure your outer shell is hard as a rock.
You’re afraid if someone knew there really was a softer side to you, it would destroy all you have worked for.
That you would lose the respect you so rightfully earned.

But you’re holding on to so much.
This burden you’re carrying is causing stress and trauma to your life.
Unfortunately, you can’t release it, because you care about what everyone has to say.
When you learn to care more about you, everything and everyone else will follow the precedent laid out before them.

Open Up Your Eyes and See What’s in Front of You.

You would think you wouldn’t want the same thing that happened to one to happen to them all.
You pushed one away with your ways.
With your ignorance, your deceitfulness, your unreliability…..

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

Why would you continue to act in this manner?
Acting as if you could care less about what happens in your future.
Your future lies in the palms of their hands, but yet you still try to destroy their minds and spirits by the example you are leading.
It was learned a long time ago not to follow your lead because if one did it would only lead to a lonely abyss, full of anger and frustration.

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

When you think they have fallen to their lowest level they will rise up. But instead of destroying you as you tried to do to them, they will continue on, leaving you wallowing in their success and in your failure.

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

The world you live in is so full of resentment and bitterness, but when they tried to reach out to you to bring you out of hole you have dug for yourself, you pushed them away.
With your attitude.
That attitude that I can do this all by myself.
Well if you haven’t learned by now, which you obviously haven’t; you can’t do it alone.
But unfortunately the road you’ve been trucking on for some time now is leading you straight there.
To being alone.

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

Do you ever wonder as to why you’re in the dark on so many things?
One by one, they learned what could be shared and what could not.
You lied, cheated, and took advantage of them just because you thought you could.
But now the times have changed.
You’ve pushed them away and if you don’t change your ways it will be too late to bring them back.

Open up your eyes and see what’s in front of you.

Darkness

What do you do when you wake up in darkness?
Not in the sense that it’s night time and you don’t have any lights on, but in the essence that the light and fire inside of you has burned out.
When you feel you have lost all hope?
How do you rekindle that flame?

So many times we give of ourselves and get nothing in return to replenish us.
We give our time, money, love, advice…..
So many things we give out that must be reciprocated to survive.
How can we survive if we don’t have love?
When you know someone is in your corner, you feel unstoppable and that you can conquer anything.
When you can draw strength from them, when needed.

What happens when you wake up in darkness?
You search all over, far and wide for the answer.
The answer to your question of WHY???
Some may ask why this?
Others may ask why me?
And many may ask why now?
But whatever your question, you must find the answer to it to get out of darkness to come into the light.

A Look Inside of Me

If you could peek inside of me what would you see?

Would you see a little girl hidden behind her fears of rejection?
Hidden behind a smile she refuses to wipe from her face?
Hidden behind her false sense of confidence?
What would you see?

Would you see this wall she has put up so that you couldn’t get too close?
A wall that blocks anyone from touching her heart.
That wall is all she has that has kept her from getting hurt like she’s seen with so many others.
With that wall gone she is left feeling vulnerable and insecure.
With that wall gone, her heart is free and capable of being hurt.

Well that wall came down and now she’s feeling the repercussions of it.
She’s losing her stability and without that reassurance that everything will work out she has no where to look, no where to turn.
And so she begins to go down.

Mentally, physically, and emotionally

Flowing Out of Me

There is so much flowing out of me right now.
Is it because I’m hurt and in pain?
Maybe, but who’s to say I couldn’t be inspired when everything is going as planned?

When I am as happy as I could be?
It’s not to say that I don’t get inspired then, but that it could be a bit more heartfelt when life as once knew it is crumbling before my eyes, and maybe because of my hardship I could inspire someone else.
I haven’t experienced much, because those around me have gone through the tests and trials of life and have shared their lessons learned with me.
I’m trying to empty out all of the things that are keeping me in this same place.
I need to be released from all of this so I can keep moving on to being a better me.
I realized a long time ago that if I wasn’t happy with me then no one else would be either.
And how could you expect for anyone else to love you when you don’t love and respect yourself.
I had to learn to love myself in spite of everything and everyone.
No matter what anyone else had to say, I had to love me.
Once I exempted that love for myself, those around me saw that in me and admired that quality.
I keep telling myself, this is only a test, it will be over shortly.
And as long as I continue to remind myself of that daily, I know I will get through it.
Sometimes we feel as though when we’re going through hard things, we are experiencing it alone ,but I’m sure there are plenty of people dealing with our same issues.
We just have to keep each other lifted up and together we will make it.

A Part of Me

I don’t know why I continue putting myself through strenuous situations.
I feel like at any moment my heart could just give in, crash, and burn.
I’ve never experienced the ups and downs of love, where you are at the point when you have to make important decisions.
When you have to make the decision if this is what you want or not.
If you are willingly to make sacrifices for the one you love.
I wish someone would have told me love would feel this way and that I would experience this, because I can definitely say I walked into this blind sited.
I heard about this happening but I never believed it was true.
I saw in movies but I thought that maybe, just maybe they had fabricated the truth. Unfortunately it was true.
But to tell you the truth, this whole love thing really is an emotional rollercoaster.

Well at least I can say, there has never been a dull moment.

The 1st Real Love of My Life

It started at a young age, that bond that a brother and sister have for one another.
That sense that no one could do me like he could.
He was there when no one else was.
He stepped in the role of a father to me although he was only three years older.
He taught me how a lady was supposed to be treated.
And that if a man really wanted you, he could wait.
He was the only one that opened up to me about his personal business, which enabled me to reveal to him my most inner and deepest secrets, I’d thought I’d never tell a soul.
He is the only one I can truly say I trust completely.
He has never let me down like so many have in my past.
I know he would never do anything to hurt me for he is always lifting me up and keeping me encouraged.
He was the 1st man that truly made me feel like I was so special and that he would do absolutely anything for me.
For many girls it’s their fathers that have that special place in their hearts but for me, it’s my brother.

It Wasn' t My Time

At the moment things have been a challenge for me.
I’m not eating, not sleeping well, and all I want to do is just lay in my bed under the covers and cry.
I never knew what really loving someone was like, but I’m quickly learning.
The butterflies I get in my stomach are so intense and I sometimes just can’t take it.
It’s like as if everything around me is falling apart.
My life as I once knew it is no longer there and I have now taken on someone else’s identity.
The identity of a girl I once used to make fun of because I didn’t understand her and her issues.
I thought I was too good to experience what she was experiencing; it just wasn’t my time yet. It wasn’t my time to experience all the joys and pains that come with love and being in love.
It wasn’t my time to feel vulnerable and to put my heart in someone’s hand.
It wasn’t my time for me to sacrifice everything about myself for someone else.
It wasn’t my time.