Someone of the Past

There was something that I always loved about you.
It might have been the fact that I knew we could never have been together, or the fact that no one else felt the same way about you as I did.

It might have been the look you would give me that I just couldn't deny.
Well I'm not that little girl anymore and I am grown woman capable of making my own decisions and even if you never get to know that side of me, secretly I would have loved to open the invitation.

Everyone knew the way I would light up when you would walk down the aisle and ever so lightly tap me on my arm.

It might have been a crush that turned into infatuation, but unfortunately after 10 years, it still rings in my heart.

My God

So today I allowed myself to drift away to the place in my mind where I had to just think about everything that is going on with me, to me, and around me.

I thought about how nothing seems to be going right, but I know God is still able.
I know He is still a provider and a way maker.

I allowed myself to go there to see that although I may be in a dry place at the moment, as long as I stay grounded in Him, no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

I refuse to allow my circumstances and situations around me to determine my lifes end.
I am a strong woman of God and I will trust Him at all costs.

In this time of isolation, I will invest my time building my relationship with Him, for He wants all of me right now.
I believe He is preparing me for who He has created just for me, but I must not divert from the path.
I would hate to miss my blessing, because I have diverted from the path for an instant gratification.

I'm learning that no one can love you like the Lord.
Men will lie to you and say whatever is needed to get what they want.

But God loves you in spite of everything, when you're having a bad day or good day.
He won't use you for His own selfish wants, but will invest in you everything He has to give.

There's nobody like God and the more I live the better I find that to be true.

You and your selfishness

I'm extremely irritated with the decisions you choose to make.
Why would you allow him to control your every move?
Making the decisions of where you can go, what time you can go, and who you can go with?
While you know the everyone is watching every step you take.
You are supposed to be grown and I know you were able and more than capable to make your own decisions before they came along.

Can you just imagine the drama you put people through when you make some of the decisions that you make?
So the next time you decide you want to play with someones heart, I need you to think of that person that you could potentially hurt.

You may not understand why they continue to deal with you, but they do.
You may not understand why out of all the things you put them through, they still in the end have your back.
But do you care about their feelings?
No!

You are too busy caring about yourself and being selfish.
So as long as you continue being selfish, no one will want to do anything for you.
No one wants to deal with a selfish person as yourself because you don't bring anything to the table.

Everything is not all about you.
And I'm sorry to be the one to inform you, but the world doesn't revolve around you and you are not the center of the universe.

I'm Done

He has taken everyone away from me.
I am seriously left all alone.
There's no one to call on but Him when I want and need someone to talk to.
I sometimes want to call up people of my past but God already knows the path I often want to travel and won't allow them to even be available.

So what now?
Where do I go?
What do I do?

I'm growing up and people aren't sugarcoding things for me anymore.
I really just want to crawl in a box and lock myself in.
Away from life, trouble, my thoughts, my feelings, and even love.

I just don't know anymore, I'm not sure of anything or anyone.
Everyone is letting me down.
I feel like my whole world is tumbling all around me and crumbling under my feet.
I'm losing my balance.
But I refuse to lose this war.

My mind is all over the place and I'm having trouble expressing the way I feel to people, afraid that they will reject me.
Afraid they will leave me.
Afraid they will judge me and realize I'm not worth lending an ear to.

Because I'm young, people think I don't struggle.
They think I don't have a care in the world, but that's not true.
My heart has been broken too many times, and well frankly I'm not too willing to give it another try.

I've been down that road so many times and each time it failed and the pain hurt me more than the last.
Well I'm done. I'm done being hurt and I'm done being used.
I'm done with it all.

A Mother

How would a mother feel if her child told her she no longer wanted to live in the enviroment she has created for her?

How would she feel if her child told her she could honestly live without the example she has been living before her?

How would she feel if her child just up and leaved and never came back?

How could a mother not know her child?

How could a mother be so oblivious to her child's emotions and feelings?

How could a mother just ignore the facts that slap her in the face that her child is uncomfortable?

How could a mother continue to dismiss the fact that her child would rather live with someone else and be away from her.

A MOTHER
A MOTHER
A MOTHER

This is not the type of mother I choose to be.....

BUT.............................................


I guess we cannot all have the world's greatest moms

My Unhappiness

So that's it.
It's over just like that, so you say at least.
But I think this time you're serious about it being over.
I must say I'm disappointed because I no longer have anyone.
No one to talk to and make me feel wanted and needed.
No one to just be there and make me feel like a real woman.
If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have just left me here to suffer by myself.
I know I wanted more but I honestly believed if you really wanted it bad enough you could have given me what I truly desired.
So did you just want me for my physical attractiveness?
Or was it more?
I'm no longer wearing a smile on my face because I'm not happy by any means.

Words from my heart

There is something about me that you will never learn because you haven't been there.

I was disappointed by the fact that I never heard anything, but I'm not hurt because hey you've already been gone for years so I have blocked you from my heart and you only remained in my mind.

I was so ready for you to save the day and carry me away to a safehouse where I no longer had to deal with this life I'm living.

This place I dread waking up to everyday.
The place where I only feel safe in my room, my sanctuary, my place where it's only me.

A place where I stay isolated because I have yet to find someone truly worthy enough to withstand all of me.

I am tired of being disappointed by people.
I am tired of people saying one thing to me and when I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, they always fall through.
But I guess that is life right?

It is funny to me when people only want bits and pieces of me, when all I'm offering is all of me, then they say I'm too much.

Well since people can't handle all of me, they will receive none of me.
For I am a full and complete package that God so intricately made. And I believe He has made someone just for me.

Not someone that's been messed over or tainted, but rather someone pure of heart and ready to tackle every aspect of me.
Not someone that when I need them the most I cannot reach them, like so many seem to be these days.

Yes, I am disappointed, but I guess that is why you should not put your trust in man, but in God and Him alone!

It's only growing stronger

I'm trying to figure out what's drawing me to you.
Is it the way you look into my eyes and give me your undivided attention?
Or the way you touch my hand to let me know you're listening..
Or how you know exactly what I mean when I look certain ways...

It's only growing stronger, the way I feel about you.

I have finally convinced myself that it's ok to like you, but right now I'm not ready to come out and tell you.
You probably already know but the words have not yet formed in my mouth to tell you.
Telling you is something I know I should do sometime soon, and I don't want to leave you guessing or assuming what you know to be true.
Since you do know me, very well I might add.
It's been three years now and it just continues to grow stronger everytime I think about it.

It's only growing stronger, the way I feel about you.

This deal with you......

What gets me is the fact that you've been gone for so long without any communication and once you finally find me again, it's only a short lived incompleted reunion. I wish I could say it was me, but unfortunately I can't. It was you over the past 10 years and it continues to be you now. I've gotten to the point to where I'm tired and frustrated with it and right now I don't think I would care that much if I didn't speak to you for another month, year, or even another 10 years. So yeah I'm done until you can convince me otherwise and there's not any amount of money to be given that could pay for the amount of time that has passed, but I need for you to at least try a lot harder.

Why??

Things are the way they are because I allow them to be.
Why do I allow people to treat me the way they do?
Why?....is the question that I continue to ask myself.
Why do I continue to allow people to walk over me and make me feel like the dirt they walk on?
Why is that no one is truly happy with me?
Why do I continue to find myself in isolation?
Why??
When I make the attempt to make friends with people I think are saved and in the church, I learn that they are just cruel as the people in the streets.
I'm tired of people lying and talking about each other and then acting like nothing was ever said or done when in the public eye.
I'm tired of people saying one thing but then turning around and doing the total opposite.

Why?.....is thee question I continue to ask myself over and over again.
And people wonder why I am so anti-social......
Why I prefer to be alone....
Well the main reason is because I have a private life that I live and I would rather it not be tainted by you.