The Beginning of My Story

Today is the day that I will begin to tell my story.


Many years ago, I started out as a very shy girl. I didn't trust many people and therefore, that was protection. Although I was shy, I had a desire to sing. I joined the children's choir at church. There I met other children that I would spend the rest of my life knowing, loving, and depending on. It was also during those years of singing in the children's choir that something miraculous happened to me. As I stood there singing the songs of zion with a sincere and pure heart, the Lord touched my heart and from that moment my life was changed.

At that moment, I felt God's spirit enter my heart and as tears began to stream down my face, I knew it was time to fully commit myself to God. It was time out for just "playing church", like many of us who grew up in the church knew how to do.

I'm so very thankful for Sister Boyce, Sister Carlisle, and Brother Fred. They provided an opportunity for us to come together. They taught us songs that years later we would remember. And now at 24 years old, I can stand to tell many that their efforts were not in vain. I thank you for being a willing vessel.

We often don't know who's life we will impact, but we must be willing and available.

An Epiphany of the Journey

So I've finally realized that I was never meant to be fall in love in the past, because there is someone greater in my future that will be real, honest, and completely in love with God. I had so many obstacles thrown at me in every situation, but it was so that I didn't get too comfortable. So no longer will there be anymore Re -dos, undos, backspaces, rewinds, copies, imitations, fabrications, or simulations allowed in my life.

It always seemed everyone would fit in this one category, which never worked for me. I don't want to be limited in what is available or offered to me. I'm a free soul now with a heart that is free and whole. I am secure in what I can offer and bring to the table, and it's not just a pretty face. I no longer will accept inconsistency, because if and when you're into something or someone, I believe, you should give it your all.

Although I'm single, I'm not available. Right now, I'm preparing my heart, mind, body, and soul for my upcoming future. I don't know exactly what's in store, but I know God has it in His hands.

I know that being here is all in the will of God. If nothing else, this a humbling experience and one in which I am to draw nigh to Him.
As I look back over my life, I think about all the things I've been through, all that I've seen, heard, and learned. It all prepared me to be in this place; right here, right now.

The Last Conversation to My Past

If only I could have one last conversation with you, I'd tell you how much I once cared for you. I'd tell you that you made a heavy impact in my life, both in a positive and negative way.

I'd tell you how much you were on my mind for years on end, but now there's just the memory.
I'd tell you how selfish I thought you were and how in denial I was once was.
I'd tell you that although I can't remember the day the happened, I'm glad whatever was between us came to a screeching holt. I don't know if it happened 6 months or 2 years ago, nonetheless I'm grateful.

I thought not having you in my life would make things hard and lonely, but actually the opposite has happened. I'm at peace with myself. I no longer have someone judging my every move, when they themselves don't have a clean and clear past.

I had to learn to depend on myself and God to see me through. When I first met you, the cover was pulled over my eyes and I only saw what I wanted to see. But now the true is revealed and I go forth in life being prosperous and free.

An Open Mind being put to Good Use

As I looked back over my entries from the time I started this blog, which was a few years ago, I realize how much I've grown, even just from last year. I can actually see the progress of the mental state and maturity. For a while, my blogs used to capture my bitterness and anger, especially toward species of the opposite sex, but now I'm beyond that. There's so much more to life than that. Coming into communication with people is necessary,but you need to be at a place where you can appropriately socialize. Some people can over analyze, whereas, some people seem to be like the tin man and have no brain at all.

Being here is forcing me is to line up my priorities in a way that pleases me and not necessarily other parties involved.

I think we all have to get to this place in our lives for us to see ourselves for ourselves, instead of always looking through someone else's eyes. People love to comment and critics others, before taking a moment to look in the mirror.

Many people are always striving to be the next best thing and have the best of everything, but they are not happy inside. If you gain all the riches in the world, but yet, you have no peace of mind or joy, then all the money will be useless to you.

A self examination can bring you out of darkness and once in the light, your priorities must be made right.

In Vain...

It's been almost 2 months since been here. There have been ups and downs, but I'm made it through. I've learned to put my trust in God. For He is the only one that will never leave me alone. I've tried to find a joy on my own, but the world's joy just slipped right through my hands. Because it was not made to weather the storm.

I've been in that place for far too long. I knew something more was in store. That is why this path has been laid. I had no inclination for my future when I was still searching this world for love. Yes, I knew that it would not last, but my heart still reached out and grabbed it, in vain.

I searched the minds and hearts of many, trying to locate myself in them, but that too was in vain.

When you're a child, you can only imagine a future, but when you become an adult that once distant future, becomes your reality and present.

I never imagined my life would be where it is today. I never imagined I would be one of sole contributors to a child's education.

Life is a funny at times and only God knows the path He will have to trod, but in any case, He will indeed prepare you.

Experiences in Korea

It's been a while since I've written in my blog, but so much has transpired in my life. I have graduated college and I am now in Changwon, South Korea. I am teaching English to children here who have been learning English since about the age of 3 or 4.

Being here has definitely been a culture shock, because upon entering into the country, I have been the center of attention, but not in the way I would like to be. Many people have looked at me crazy, staring like they have never seen anyone of a different race, which might exactly be the case. In the beginning, I was angry that people were being so rude, but then I had to open my mind to think that these people may not have been taught the way I was. I was taught to accept people from all walks of life. whether they be rich or poor, white, black, hispanic, asian, or whatever.

I would always find myself saying outloud, as I walked down the street, that these people ought to be glad it's me here and not some of the other people from America. I have been taught to respect others as well as myself. I refuse to give myself or others a bad name, just because I have been disrespected in a way that it would have been justified if I acted out accordingly.

MOHAWK QUICKWEAVE DONE BY JOEL MCKINNEY

MOHAWK QUICKWEAVE

Front face view of mohawk

1st Entry in 2011

It's my 1st entry in 2011 and the Lord is doing something miraculous in my life. Out with the old, and in with the new. So many things have been happening lately; some good and some bad. I need the Lord to work on me in every capacity: my heart, my mind, my spirit, and this flesh. there is a constant battle of the spirit and the flesh.

I need to learn to let go of things and people completely, cutting it off at the root, instead of picking it back up to deal with those same feelings of resentment, rejection, and hurt all over again.

What is it about me that makes people stay at a distance and be afraid to come close?Maybe it's a sign that I have written on my forehead that starts to blink when they get too close....
I don't know, but I'll just take it as this is the time God needs to work some things in ME.

The Last Conversation

Well I guess I just had the last conversation I will ever have with the one I was so confused about.
What we always want is to be with someone who actually likes talking to us, but there always seemed to be tension in his voice and now there will never have to be tension between us anymore, because I no longer desire to be a part of his life in any capacity.
It feels great knowing that I possess the power to be free.

We Live and We Learn

So today I really remembered that no one is perfect. We all have messed up in one way or another and we all have our flaws.

In the past few days, a few people, specifically men, that I USED to associate with have come to me with the desire to rekindle our friendship. At first I was happy to hear from them until the conversation progressed and I remembered why we ceased all communication. They would apologize, saying they were just going through a phase in their life and didn't know what they really wanted at the time. I understand all that, but it still left me with a bad taste in my mouth of them.

I had time to get over them and then months and sometimes even years later they come back, not realizing that their chance of having me in their life is completely over.

You can't meet someone and when they start to trust you and form feelings for you, just up and decide you have other things in life to deal with that doesn't concern them. You either need to incorporate me into your life or just completely leave me alone. So now unfortunately, it's left me to tread lightly with everyone I come in contact with.

We live and we learn.