My Thoughts

I sit here contemplating my current situation.
Realizing I have to make the decision which direction I will choose.

Afraid that I will lose
If I make the wrong step.

That step that holds my life and death.
That step that could hold my last breath.

Sitting here empty handed, empty hearted, but with a mind overflowing.
It's dimming, aging, and dying,
But yet clinging on to the hope of life.

Battling with being a lowlife and stife
It struggles to stay afloat and amongst the land of the living.

My thoughts fight against me,
Bending and breaking,
Blocking and bridging.

Breaching and bruising,
Bleeding and blasting.

My mind quietly remembers and stores the feelings of abandonment.
Those thoughts that run through my mind daily and deeply.

Overtaking the good memory of the past
Forgetting that they were ever broastcast.
They were just surpassed because they were never on a newscast.

I try to take control
Being on my post and patrol.

But then my mind seems to drift away.
That only brings me back to the crossway.

The place I must make the decision
If I will be broken or continue to carry this burden.

YOU.......

I often wonder why I listen to you,
Why I give you my undivided attention??
From the moment I first saw you walk through the door, you immediately caught my eye and diverted my attention towards you.
When we speak face to face, I never take my eyes off you, afraid that I will miss that beautiful smile of yours.
I cannot believe I'm even writing this, but my mind is forcing my fingers to type the words that you're reading.
I do not know if I could profess my love for you, afraid that it would ruin something we already have.
This little experience I'm having is so overwhelming.
Was it a coincidence that that situation and the one before did not work out?
Are everyone's thoughts correct??
Am I just being naive and in denial????
These are questions I would like to know the answer to, but I'm afraid to hear the answer I already know.

Dealing with it.......

There have been so many years that you have been gone.
And now you have returned and you have entered back into my life.
Yet somehow we have just picked up were we left off.
My heart was broken when you walked away, but I never forgot you.
I was lost like a ship without a sail.
Never allowing no one to come too close, because I was afraid that if I let my guard down, that they would walk away from me.
I've always had a wall guarding my heart, because it's been broken, shattered, and torn to pieces.
It's taken many years for it to heal, so I refuse to give it chance to be hurt again.
I know what it is like to be in a whirl wind, fighting off the weeds of life.
And I wondered as I was fading away, how I could get back to my dreams and away from reality.
I had trained my mind to go to a place were no one could hurt me and I was all alone.
So now in my reality, it consists of me and only me.
There I had to grow stronger, wiser, not weaker, and less incisive mentally.
I had to give myself enough time to deal with my past.
To deal with my mental unbalance, my constant state of gloom, for I wrestled with the state of success.
In the frame of mind I was in, feelings of pleasure and delight were not in my view.
The poisons of life were upon me, so sharp and firm, but I took each day and each step as it came.
Slowly, I preceeded to grow with a desire for the minutes of the world, a desire for success, a desire for the wonderful changes of life.

I do not understand why I do not listen to you.
You have been right countless times.
Only having my best interests at heart.
In my gut I knew I should have listened but I just had to experience it for myself.

Things are hard now.
Not the way the should be, like as if I was talking to you.
Easy conversation, no fuss and fight about having your undivided attention, just you.

Have I made a mistake.......
I do not know.
I wanted your approval, which you did not give.
It hurt me but I thought I could live without it, but now I am just so confused.

I thought this was what I wanted, but now that I have it, everything is just not falling into place.
Things just are not natural, but rather forced.

I was once on cloud 9, but I too soon came crashing back down to earth because reality was beginning to hit me.
What do I do now?
Please help me, this time I will try to listen.

The Last

As she saw herself laying there so still, so cold.
She looked out and saw the people's tears, hurts, and pains.
She could look into her mother's face and see she was on the edge of a breakdown.
For she had lost her baby girl.

She wished she could have given her mother one last hug before her shell was to be put six feet under the ground.
But as stood over her own body, she at least was happy to know they respected her last wishes and made sure her lipgloss was popping.

She looked out into the audience just to see who had all come to celebrate her homegoing.
She saw this beautiful wise woman, her grandmother.
She did not have a single tear in her eye because she knew her granddaughter had lived a good life.
A life full of laughter and joy.

She also saw this man who resembled her father.
A man who never got the chance to know her.
Who only saw her on the surface.
A man who never knew just how much he had an impact on her life.
A man who was the last person on her mind, before the last beat of her heart.
Praying that he would get himself together so that she could see him again.

The Day

I returned to the place as a young child to the day he left.
The day he walked out of my life in handcuffs.
The day I thought I could have drowned in my own tears.
The day I began to shut down.
To shut down, in my heart and my mind.
The day I learned to begin guarding my heart from those you love and even those who are supposed to love you.
The day I learned that I could not stand naked before someone, holding my heart in my hands.
The day I learned what it meant to be abandoned.
The day that the seed was planted of hurt, loneliness, and suffering.
The day the seed of bitterness was planted in my heart of the person who left me behind.
The day reality became unbearable.

A Prisoner

I was just released from prison
Being the worst inmate
Being despondent, not allowing people too close.
Many tried to reach out and touch me,
But I didn't allow the thought that someone could truly love me, to possess my mind.

Behind the bars, my health began to fail.
Although I preferred to be set free, I was a woman who stood alone.

The longer I stayed a prisoner, the more I became mentally unbalanced.
The more mentally unbalanced I became, the more I failed to perceive my relationships with those around me.

In this prison, I was dead socially and was dying mentally and emotionally.
I was my own prisoner, but now I have been set free.

Gate

You ask why do I look at you so blankly and without meaning.
I am waiting for you to change before my eyes.
To show me passion and offer a sensual union with you.

To open the gate that separates us.
To open your heart, the heart that beats inside your chest.
To open your heart so that I can drown in the sea of love.

A sea that I have only seen from afar.
You have your armour on protecting you from what I am willing to give you, which is my unconditional love.

You continue to pull me to a place of delibrate neglect.
While I felt obligated to you, you had forgotten and dicarded me.
While I wanted to have intimate discussions, you remained on the surface.

The surface that said what you see is what you get.
But I know there is so much more than what meets the eye.
All you have to do is open your heart and let me in.
And then you can throw away the key behind me, because I will make my home there.

I interpreted by your lack of socialism that you exist only on the outward, handicapping your emotions.
But I don't mind assisting you, only if you allow me to.

But it was no accident that we met, because you awakened my sensuality and brought back the light in my eyes.
A light that had been burned out by lies, deceit, insecurity, and unreliabilty.
Can you keep the flame burning or will it yet again burn to the wick with you.
The decision lies in your hands.